Love Is The Key.... But Have a Locksmith Ready Just In Case

Lawrd…. Give me a break. Or a kit-kat bar. I’ll be fine with either. No wait, I’ve been sticking to my nutrition plan so maybe that’s not the best idea…. *eye signals to pass under desk*. Well congrats to me for posting the first blog of 2012… Only took me 5 months to get this going! As I usually do, let me do a brief recap of what’s gone on in the past few months. Actually, let’s just forget that. I just have a lot I need to get off my chest…. Particularly the man boobs. Yes I’ll admit they’re not pretty but I have been getting in shape lately so they’re disappearing. I guess my application for the drag show Dreamgirls Revue can be shredded. Anywho, so much has been happening and frankly it’s been a bit overwhelming, but good. I remember telling a few people that I had a feeling that 2012 was going to be MY year, whatever that meant. As I mentioned in other posts, after 25 it was as though I had some re-awakening and just started to see the world and my life differently. I made some headway last year what with going back to school and with a few other areas, but I feel this year I’ve learned to take on more – to really move myself forward from this rut.

So I enrolled in school and have been keeping myself busy with that. Truth be told, the classes weren’t as exciting as I had hoped. I do enjoy reading but found almost every required book in my Literature class to be a bit of a bore. Not only that, but I began to question my pursuit of becoming a writer. I look up to my friend Carlos for writing since he’s had success in that area and he can go on and on about books and authors and every literary thing under the sun. Me? Not so much. Sure, I enjoy reading but I don’t view it the same way he and a few other writer friends do. Even writing this blog, which originally was supposed to help ignite the flame for my passion for writing, seems to have become a bit of a chore. I don’t write enough because I don’t feel I have a lot going on, or rather ENOUGH going on to make it a weekly thing. And so now I am sitting here, writing, and wondering “if this isn’t for me, then what is?” I made the decision to pursue Accounting NOT because I enjoy it, but because my company pays for it and in the meantime while I’m saving myself some money I can still pursue other interests. I mean sure, Accounting would lead to a very fruitful career but not enough to make me want to get up in the morning. I think I still want to look into a creative writing class and see if that gets my juices flowing…. I don’t know what juices flow with writing but as long as it’s ink I’m good. Now finals are coming up and I’m honestly glad to be done with these classes. Even my speech class seemed interesting at first but over the course of the semester my interest has decreased as well. The class isn’t particularly difficult… in fact, it’s really EASY but I don’t really feel like I’ve gained a whole lot of new knowledge. The professor is very scatterbrained and has us repeating things because she forgets. It could also be the fact that she is constantly speaking to me in Spanish and even writing comments on my speeches IN Spanish. She isn’t deaf right? She does know that’s English coming out of my mouth when I speak, right? I mean for crying out loud I sound whiter than [insert name of white actor]. She’s a mess. Although I still want to look into a radio/voice-over course which would be very exciting. So stay tuned in the next semester to see where things go. BTW I just said that in an announcer voice so I hope you…. Ahhhh forget it, move on.

Dating. The fact that I have a whole blog post dedicated to my dating catastrophes is probably a good indication that I really am lacking success in that area. Now last year I did try and date someone, and I felt that I was really into him. He was older, which has never been a problem for me…. 41 to be exact since I’m assuming the Anna Nicole-like jokes are brewing in your head. Looking back, I could tell why things didn’t work out. I think I got in my head too much and didn’t trust myself enough to love him or anyone at that time. I had a lot of issues I hadn’t confronted in my personal life and I let that trickle into our relationship. He was a nice guy and even though I wish he could have been more honest with me about HIS own feelings, I don’t think it would have mattered. We were doomed for destruction because neither of us really wanted to pull the trigger. And so he finally fired and that was that. He left the promise with me that we’d remain friends and that not much would change. I wasn’t stupid (contrary to popular belief) and as much as I wanted to believe that, I knew it wasn’t true. Sure enough our communication decreased more and more to the point where I felt awkward even saying hi. I removed him from my life not because I hated or disliked him but rather because I maybe didn’t want some reminder of that. Or I don’t know I’m not a fucken psychologist geez… where’s that kit kat bar??? And this year I met someone…. Well, technically I met TWO people this year but we’ll leave out the alcoholic for another blog. But the guy I’m referring to is probably one of the sweetest guys I’ve met. We hit it off instantly, spent a lot of time together, and I felt something really different…. I felt trust. I felt this emotion sort of take over where I looked forward to every moment spent with him. But sure enough over the next 1.5-2 months I started to show my true colors. All these issues I knew I had swept away started blowing back up into my world. And he was quick to point them out to me. It finally came to a point where I had to take a really good look myself and see that I needed a lot of work. I have a lot of things to get done in order to get my life in order. My priorities need to be re-examined and work and school need to come first. Actually, in a way I need to make MYSELF a priority…. Something I haven’t ever really done before. But I think the guy for showing me the light. I couldn’t expect him to completely guide me all the way through. Part of being an adult is learning to challenge yourself and make decisions on your own. I know plenty of people who are in their 30’s or later and still rely on others for help all the time. I don’t want to be one of those people. I have a few years left in my 20s and frankly I plan to work on these things now before time runs out.

I know I have potential… for crying out loud I’ve been told that all my life. And for whatever reason I never saw it in myself. But as I’ve said before, I’m a strong believer that people are meant to come into your life for a reason. I remember telling a friend once that while I’m not religious by any means, I do sort of believe in guardian angels. I’ve always felt that certain people came into my life to help guide me or push me or help me to see myself and my life from a different angle. Would I have wanted to continue being boyfriends? Of course! When you meet an amazing guy you do everything to hold onto him. But unfortunately the only thing in the way between us was myself…. Or rather the shell of myself that refuses to give way. In my heart I hope the story between us doesn’t end the same way it did with the guy from last year. I don’t want to be told “yes we will still be friends and hang out regularly” only to find out that’s a lie. But on the same token, everything happens for a reason. And even though I am grateful they came into my life who knows how the story will go. What I do know is that finding the love within myself should come FIRST before sharing that. As RuPaul so eloquently put it, "If you can't love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else?" Can I get an amen!

I guess what I’ve come to realize this year, at least in these past 5 months, is that 2012 WILL be my year… but only if I choose to make it that way. We all have the remote control in hand to our own lives. We all have the capability to direct ourselves in whatever direction we so choose. I started a nutrition plan, really focused on the gym, stuck through with school, have kept myself busy with work, and am FINALLY moving out of the negative household I resided in. As he mentioned, I sure have a long road ahead of me. 26 years of experience I’ve accumulated, and somehow I will be letting go of the past. I’ve held onto it for too long like a security blanket… but instead the only thing it covered was my vision for the future. I’m not writing this blog saying I have found the answer to my success… I’ve found some pieces of the puzzle but there are many more out there and in time I will put it all together. I just hope the final picture is one I’d be proud to hang up on my wall.