Okay so I'm doing something that I've
never done... which is to add onto a previous blog post. Why? Well
normally I like to think that the last period is the be all end all
of my thoughts on that particular posting. However, it occurred to me
that the most recent one wasn't quite finished. In fact, I am tempted
to remove it altogether but since I have already written a reference
to that blog I suppose that would just confuse you ha! But I do feel
my journey in this life is never going to be finished, and I
certainly will never finish having something to write about. Some
things came to mind recently and I felt I needed to share those.
Firstly, I am looking forward to 2012.
2011 has been an amazing year and I do feel that I have grown as a
person. I have learned quite a lot about myself and I know it will
only get better. Now comes the tricky part. I also realized that to
be successful we sometimes have to make sacrifices or take risks that
we may be scared to take or face. I graduated in 2003 from high
school and the year preceding my graduation all that was floating
through my head was the next phase of my life: college. But for me,
personally, I felt an enormous pressure not just from myself but from
family and peers. With myself because I always knew (still feel) that
I have some purpose in this life. I guess in a way we all do but I
feel like I'm meant to do something amazing in this world... it's
just a gut instinct. I felt pressure as well from family because,
well frankly, not many of my cousins have gone onto college. Since I
had already been doing so well in school with honors classes and
whatnot, there was a huge weight resting upon my shoulders telling me
that I needed to set an example. If that's not stressful during
Junior/Senior year I don't know what is! I already had enough to deal
with what with SATs, college admissions, essays, and my regular
school stuff. In hearing everyone else around me plan for his/her
future I got to thinking about what I wanted to do and what MY
passion was - writing. Since I was younger I was always an extremely
shy kid (and still am in some ways) and just felt the only way I was
able to express myself was through words. I wrote many poems,
letters, notes, journals, all detailing what was going on in my
teenage brain (and as described in my previous posts there was a LOT
of writing to be done). I did actually have a plan set in mind. My
dream was to attend Boston University study Business and Journalism
and eventually find the right path between the two. My other options
for school were CS Fullerton or SDSU. I actually was accepted to the
latter two and for some reason I didn't go. I think part of me felt
fearful. I spent a good amount of my youth living under someone
else's dream... my father's. Everything I did I felt was for him and
I only was left with the scraps. Sadly I let those thoughts interfere
with my dreams and I let it go. I worked full time straight out of
school and never looked back. Sure I tried several times to go back
to school but always gave up. I think several factors went into that.
I know I didn't feel confident in myself to know what I wanted in my
life. I was working at a job where this girl from my HS was working
and she and I would chat every so often. One day I heard that she
quit. Luckily I worked in HR so I was all nosey bitch and checked her
file for the reasoning. Funnily enough she wrote that she was leaving
to do some “soul searching”. Yes I laughed too. Wait you were
laughing, right? But the idea seemed fantastic and I was slightly
jealous! I felt lost for so long and I wish I could have done the
same but instead I stuck to my 9-5. It wasn't until this past year
that I revisited the idea of going back to school. Well, it may have
had something to do with the fact that my company offered to pay for
Accounting classes or something like that... my memory is very foggy.
But I did attempt earlier in last Spring semester but the pressure
set in again and surprise surprise I gave up. I knew I let myself
down and whatever reasons I gave my boss for not continuing I'm sure
they weren't too fond of that either. I guess something eventually
clicked in my head because I attempted this past semester – and
actually stuck with it! I'm proud of myself as I await my grade but
it's been a LONG time coming. I think whether or not I accomplish an
“A” or “B” letter grade doesn't matter to me (well sort of,
let's not get crazy). But I think I'm proud of myself in the fact
that I was able to go through a whole semester. I realized a few
things along the way as well. I realized firstly that school isn't as
hard as it seems, so long as you put the work into it. So many
students in my class bitched and bitched about homework and exams and
I never did because I actually did the assignments. The other thing I
realized is I HATE Accounting LOL. Yes I realize I work in that field
but I only swim along the surface, I've never actually gone deep into
it (yes that's what he/she said). I think I pictured myself doing
that type of work for years and years... and as soon as I woke up
from boring myself I knew it's not what I want. Having this blog has
allowed me to not only express my thoughts but to also get some
practice with my writing. I think I found that spark in it that I
once lost and I know this is what I want to do. If I could spend my
life writing about the things that I'm passionate about I think I
would be very content. I got into a Literature class for the
following semester which I am EXTREMELY excited about. I know once I
tweak my skills a bit I will be on fire (though hopefully not
literally since my laptop is on my lap).
So as I said earlier, now comes the
tricky part. You see, now that I'm realizing (or at least tapping
into) my true passion there needs to come about some change. My
company currently has this expectation that I'll study Accounting,
earn my Bachelor's, and eventually handle all the Accounting for the
company – WRONG. That is NOT what I want. And sure I can easily
walk into work tomorrow, give my notice, and go to school but it's
not so easy. So what solution do I have? Well I think for the time
being, while they are offering to pay for Accounting courses I'll
still take some because I do feel that is information that may become
useful, but eventually once I get things going with school I will
have to depart. Not only with work, but I feel I may need to change a
few other things in my life. I won't say anything just yet but we
shall see how things go in the upcoming year. It's kind of funny
speaking about jobs. It came to mind that during most interviews I've
been on I get asked “where do you see yourself in 5 years”? Sure
I give the general answer “I see myself with a degree, moving on up
within the company, blah blah blah”. But I never actually posed the
question to myself until recently. So where do I see myself in 5
years? At 30-31 I will have figured out my career path, I will have
worked towards my AA and then BA and then MA and I will have figured
out information about to which school I will transer. Since I am just
starting out I have some ideas that I'm looking into. But in 5 years
I will have proven to myself that my future is in my own hands. I
will have proven to myself that I am capable of accomplishing a lot
once I put my heart and soul into it. And where else do I see myself
in 5 years? In happiness. I've spent too many years living in
darkness, feeling lost, feeling unfulfilled. This past year has shown
to me what the future could hold, and I've been given a taste of what
that would feel like. I want that. I deserve that. I am ready to take
the risks necessary to obtain those goals.
2011 you've been a great friend and
you've shown me the way. But our trip is drawing near to an end. And
I think I'm ready for 2012 to show me what else is in store for the
next chapter of my life.
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