I feel like I'm having a romantic
evening with myself. The bulb in my room went out and since it's so
late I didn't want to go anywhere to get a replacement one so here I
am in my room with two lit candles. It's sad that this is the most
romance I've seen in my own life lately. If this were an emo post I
suppose the candles would be too much but thankfully it's not. Well
here we are in December... coming to a close on yet another year. And
as I do every year, I find myself reflecting on the past 12 months
and before. So much has gone on this past year, both good and bad. I
guess it's to be expected... as a Libra I expect there to be some
type of balance in my life and I feel 2011 has shown me both sides.
I'm pretty thankful for the life I have and the things I am able to
experience. I'm not one to stick to any type of routine and am
fortunate that I can often push myself to do and try new things and
see how they work out. This year was certainly no exception. So now I
feel I should reflect on everything that has gone on and share some
of my ups and downs and all arounds.
As I said, I try to get myself to try
new things and experience the most that life has to offer. I don't
like settling for any type of routine, and even if it's a temporary
change I can at least say that it was something I had the opportunity
to experience. One example is my living situation (no this is not
another post about my bad living situations in case any certain
parties are wondering LOL). I think I've moved more times this year
than any other year, and as I said it's all an experience. The
beginning of the year I started out living on my own. It was
something I had ALWAYS wanted to do and the opportunity fell into my
hands. I was living with some friends, and unfortunately their
situation wasn't working out so well and chose to move out. Since I
was originally occupying space in THEIR apartment the choice came to
take over. I was a little uncertain about how it would pan out but
then I realized this is something I've been wanting and I took it as
a sign to jump at the chance. I LOVED it, but I came to realize the
timing wasn't so great (well that and the location really). I hadn't
gotten a raise at work yet and was now having to cover extra bills
which put a strain on my finances. That and it was further away from
work and in a hellishly ghetto area. I lasted about 6 months (which I
am quite proud of), although I think my pride kept me there longer
since I refused to let go. It was great and as I said I always wanted
it but it just wasn't the right time. I'm thinking at some point in
the next year I may look into trying it out again. Not making any
guarantees but I expect 2012 to be a much more fruitful year for me
so we'll have to see how it works out. And from my other living
situations in the past year all I will say is I really need to spend
more time feeling it out before committing to the move. My current
situation is working out just fine but the old geezers I lived with
before were a clear example that not every situation will work out.
That, and whether you're gay or straight, old people are horrible and
cranky.
2012 was also great for my career.
Thankfully I ended my run at the motel and found luck with my current
job as a bookkeeper. Sure there were times when frustration grew in
and I felt the desire to get out and find something else. But
something kept telling me to hold on and appreciate the fact that I
have A job. Now at the beginning of the year was when the frustration
hit me and although I tried getting into school I just didn't feel it
was the right time just yet. Yeah I know, I graduated high school
back in 2003 so really any time is as good as now. But honestly there
are several reasons why I resisted getting back into school. I think
part of me just felt lost and felt that somehow I can figure out my
life's path on my own. I also believed that I could somehow just fall
into the job of my dreams and work my way up. But I think part of it
was also my lack of confidence. I think growing up I did so well in
school and was at the top of my class that in a way I felt a little
too proud. And once I got into high school and saw that there were a
lot more smarter people than myself I just lost that confidence. But
this year I realized that I do have potential, and I do have what it
takes to make it somewhere in life. My first goal was to study
Accounting and eventually land a great job somewhere down the road
and makes lots of money. The “American Dream”, right? Not quite.
Sure I could stand to be successful and I've been doing
bookkeeping/Accounting for about 5+ years so I know I'm good at it.
But the question lies in “is it my true passion?”. The answer to
that would be no. This I already know and it took halfway into the
semester in school, when I finally decided to give it a try, that I
realized it may not be for me. I know plenty of people who have spent
so much time and effort and money going to school for a particular
area of interest and find themselves working in an environment where
it is not very applicable. I don't want to be one of those people!
Nothing against them, but I'm the type of person that when I commit
to something (which honestly is not very often) I SERIOUSLY commit to
it. And that's just the way it has to be for me. Right now I want to
spend the time finding out what I really want to spend my life doing,
and once I find that I really want to focus and push myself to
accomplish it. I just registered for a Literature and Speech class.
Literature, because I want to improve upon my writing since that is
an area that interests me, and if you haven't noticed from my blogs I
do genuinely enjoy writing. It's always been a passion of mine, and
since I'm not a very extroverted individual I find it helps to get my
thoughts out and plus I can be as creative and unique and as funny as
I choose. I also chose a Speech class.... well for a couple of
reason. The other field I'm looking into is Radio/Voice-Over work. If
I had a dollar for every time I was complimented on my voice I swear
I could pay for my school funding NOW. So that's something I want to
improve on also and see where it can take me. Plus, since I'm not
very social I think it would be a great learning tool to overcome any
social fears I have. I'm still debating taking an Accounting class
for this next semester. I suppose I should since (a) I still want to
check out the field and see if I don't change my mind and (b) my
company is paying for Accounting classes. I think I'm sold on part
“b” because if there's anything I love about Accounting is MONEY.
I don't know where my future lies with this job. I do think at some
point I may have to let it go once I find that my path is moving in a
different direction. But I think 2012 will bring a lot of change in
this area and I am pretty excited about it.
So overall I feel this year has been
pretty great to me. I'm 26, I'm getting back into shape, and I am
learning to surround myself more with positive peeps. I'm not the
type to do resolutions because frankly (at least to ME) it's a lot of
false hope. Plus I just feel if you're going to make the effort to
change something in your life the time should be NOW not on January
1st. But over the past 5 years I have always made a
“promise” to myself. That promise is that every year I make it a
point to learn at least 3 things about myself. To me that is much
better than a resolution because I can see where my life is going,
reflect on that, and make any necessary changes for the upcoming
year. So what are my 3 for this year? I think first, is that I can
leave the past behind finally. I've carried around too much dead
weight and it's gotten me nowhere. My relationship with my dad was
never great, and I don't know how it will be since we haven't spoken
in several years. But I know that the happiness I want for myself is
WITHIN myself and not with him. He doesn't hold the key to my
heart.... I do. And sometimes it's easy to forget that when I 'm
holding onto so much of the past. The second is that I am a lot more
confident than I give myself credit for. I've been insecure for far
too long I think. When it comes to dating, those thoughts keep
resurfacing and make it almost impossible for me to fulfill something
with someone. I just keep thinking about the negative things because
in my heart I don't feel I deserve good things. The same goes with
school and life in general. Whenever something starts to go well, I
immediately shoot it down with negative thoughts because I just
trained my brain to think that way. But 2012 will be different. I
know I'm capable of reaching success and I know I do deserve good
things in life. I know I will see a lot of great things for myself
and my future and my happiness will not be compromised. Lastly, I
think one thing I've learned about myself is that the world doesn't
just revolve around myself. I think I've spent too many years being
selfish and only thinking of myself and no one else. This year I made
it a point to spend more time with family and friends, and reach out
to those I have neglected. I should be thankful for everyone that has
been a part of my life and still is. I've had to let go of certain
relationships because to me they were destructive. But everyone that
is still around I cherish. I've made so many great memories with my
friends and family this year and I can only imagine what else is in
store for us. I will make more time to call people more and be an
active member in their lives, as long as I am able to. As much as I
want them to see my success, I want to see THEM reach their potential
and realize their dreams and goals. I am inspired by like-minded
individuals who see the greater things in life and only want the best
for those in their lives. It broke my heart to see how little time I
spent with my nephews and niece, and when I got to see them over the
holidays I had such an amazing time with them. I know time is short
for all of us, and we may never know how much longer we have here. So
now is the time to say “I love you” to family and friends and
cherish the moments you make, and say the things you want to say.
Because you don't want to spend your life regretting an opportunity
you missed out on.
Lastly I just want to say for everyone
who does read my blogs I say thank you. It started out as a joke just
to get out all the stories from my days at the motel. But I've come
to realize how therapeutic it is for me, and I've been able to
express myself in ways only I know how. I love getting the chance to
share what goes on in this crazy head of mine. And thank you so much
for being a part of the ride.... unless your seat belt has been too
hard to come undone then I just say sorry and I hope you at least
kept your eyes closed throughout the ride.
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