...I Guess The Rest Was Still Unwritten...

Okay so I'm doing something that I've never done... which is to add onto a previous blog post. Why? Well normally I like to think that the last period is the be all end all of my thoughts on that particular posting. However, it occurred to me that the most recent one wasn't quite finished. In fact, I am tempted to remove it altogether but since I have already written a reference to that blog I suppose that would just confuse you ha! But I do feel my journey in this life is never going to be finished, and I certainly will never finish having something to write about. Some things came to mind recently and I felt I needed to share those.

Firstly, I am looking forward to 2012. 2011 has been an amazing year and I do feel that I have grown as a person. I have learned quite a lot about myself and I know it will only get better. Now comes the tricky part. I also realized that to be successful we sometimes have to make sacrifices or take risks that we may be scared to take or face. I graduated in 2003 from high school and the year preceding my graduation all that was floating through my head was the next phase of my life: college. But for me, personally, I felt an enormous pressure not just from myself but from family and peers. With myself because I always knew (still feel) that I have some purpose in this life. I guess in a way we all do but I feel like I'm meant to do something amazing in this world... it's just a gut instinct. I felt pressure as well from family because, well frankly, not many of my cousins have gone onto college. Since I had already been doing so well in school with honors classes and whatnot, there was a huge weight resting upon my shoulders telling me that I needed to set an example. If that's not stressful during Junior/Senior year I don't know what is! I already had enough to deal with what with SATs, college admissions, essays, and my regular school stuff. In hearing everyone else around me plan for his/her future I got to thinking about what I wanted to do and what MY passion was - writing. Since I was younger I was always an extremely shy kid (and still am in some ways) and just felt the only way I was able to express myself was through words. I wrote many poems, letters, notes, journals, all detailing what was going on in my teenage brain (and as described in my previous posts there was a LOT of writing to be done). I did actually have a plan set in mind. My dream was to attend Boston University study Business and Journalism and eventually find the right path between the two. My other options for school were CS Fullerton or SDSU. I actually was accepted to the latter two and for some reason I didn't go. I think part of me felt fearful. I spent a good amount of my youth living under someone else's dream... my father's. Everything I did I felt was for him and I only was left with the scraps. Sadly I let those thoughts interfere with my dreams and I let it go. I worked full time straight out of school and never looked back. Sure I tried several times to go back to school but always gave up. I think several factors went into that. I know I didn't feel confident in myself to know what I wanted in my life. I was working at a job where this girl from my HS was working and she and I would chat every so often. One day I heard that she quit. Luckily I worked in HR so I was all nosey bitch and checked her file for the reasoning. Funnily enough she wrote that she was leaving to do some “soul searching”. Yes I laughed too. Wait you were laughing, right? But the idea seemed fantastic and I was slightly jealous! I felt lost for so long and I wish I could have done the same but instead I stuck to my 9-5. It wasn't until this past year that I revisited the idea of going back to school. Well, it may have had something to do with the fact that my company offered to pay for Accounting classes or something like that... my memory is very foggy. But I did attempt earlier in last Spring semester but the pressure set in again and surprise surprise I gave up. I knew I let myself down and whatever reasons I gave my boss for not continuing I'm sure they weren't too fond of that either. I guess something eventually clicked in my head because I attempted this past semester – and actually stuck with it! I'm proud of myself as I await my grade but it's been a LONG time coming. I think whether or not I accomplish an “A” or “B” letter grade doesn't matter to me (well sort of, let's not get crazy). But I think I'm proud of myself in the fact that I was able to go through a whole semester. I realized a few things along the way as well. I realized firstly that school isn't as hard as it seems, so long as you put the work into it. So many students in my class bitched and bitched about homework and exams and I never did because I actually did the assignments. The other thing I realized is I HATE Accounting LOL. Yes I realize I work in that field but I only swim along the surface, I've never actually gone deep into it (yes that's what he/she said). I think I pictured myself doing that type of work for years and years... and as soon as I woke up from boring myself I knew it's not what I want. Having this blog has allowed me to not only express my thoughts but to also get some practice with my writing. I think I found that spark in it that I once lost and I know this is what I want to do. If I could spend my life writing about the things that I'm passionate about I think I would be very content. I got into a Literature class for the following semester which I am EXTREMELY excited about. I know once I tweak my skills a bit I will be on fire (though hopefully not literally since my laptop is on my lap).

So as I said earlier, now comes the tricky part. You see, now that I'm realizing (or at least tapping into) my true passion there needs to come about some change. My company currently has this expectation that I'll study Accounting, earn my Bachelor's, and eventually handle all the Accounting for the company – WRONG. That is NOT what I want. And sure I can easily walk into work tomorrow, give my notice, and go to school but it's not so easy. So what solution do I have? Well I think for the time being, while they are offering to pay for Accounting courses I'll still take some because I do feel that is information that may become useful, but eventually once I get things going with school I will have to depart. Not only with work, but I feel I may need to change a few other things in my life. I won't say anything just yet but we shall see how things go in the upcoming year. It's kind of funny speaking about jobs. It came to mind that during most interviews I've been on I get asked “where do you see yourself in 5 years”? Sure I give the general answer “I see myself with a degree, moving on up within the company, blah blah blah”. But I never actually posed the question to myself until recently. So where do I see myself in 5 years? At 30-31 I will have figured out my career path, I will have worked towards my AA and then BA and then MA and I will have figured out information about to which school I will transer. Since I am just starting out I have some ideas that I'm looking into. But in 5 years I will have proven to myself that my future is in my own hands. I will have proven to myself that I am capable of accomplishing a lot once I put my heart and soul into it. And where else do I see myself in 5 years? In happiness. I've spent too many years living in darkness, feeling lost, feeling unfulfilled. This past year has shown to me what the future could hold, and I've been given a taste of what that would feel like. I want that. I deserve that. I am ready to take the risks necessary to obtain those goals.

2011 you've been a great friend and you've shown me the way. But our trip is drawing near to an end. And I think I'm ready for 2012 to show me what else is in store for the next chapter of my life.

Because We Need a Resolution

 I feel like I'm having a romantic evening with myself. The bulb in my room went out and since it's so late I didn't want to go anywhere to get a replacement one so here I am in my room with two lit candles. It's sad that this is the most romance I've seen in my own life lately. If this were an emo post I suppose the candles would be too much but thankfully it's not. Well here we are in December... coming to a close on yet another year. And as I do every year, I find myself reflecting on the past 12 months and before. So much has gone on this past year, both good and bad. I guess it's to be expected... as a Libra I expect there to be some type of balance in my life and I feel 2011 has shown me both sides. I'm pretty thankful for the life I have and the things I am able to experience. I'm not one to stick to any type of routine and am fortunate that I can often push myself to do and try new things and see how they work out. This year was certainly no exception. So now I feel I should reflect on everything that has gone on and share some of my ups and downs and all arounds.

As I said, I try to get myself to try new things and experience the most that life has to offer. I don't like settling for any type of routine, and even if it's a temporary change I can at least say that it was something I had the opportunity to experience. One example is my living situation (no this is not another post about my bad living situations in case any certain parties are wondering LOL). I think I've moved more times this year than any other year, and as I said it's all an experience. The beginning of the year I started out living on my own. It was something I had ALWAYS wanted to do and the opportunity fell into my hands. I was living with some friends, and unfortunately their situation wasn't working out so well and chose to move out. Since I was originally occupying space in THEIR apartment the choice came to take over. I was a little uncertain about how it would pan out but then I realized this is something I've been wanting and I took it as a sign to jump at the chance. I LOVED it, but I came to realize the timing wasn't so great (well that and the location really). I hadn't gotten a raise at work yet and was now having to cover extra bills which put a strain on my finances. That and it was further away from work and in a hellishly ghetto area. I lasted about 6 months (which I am quite proud of), although I think my pride kept me there longer since I refused to let go. It was great and as I said I always wanted it but it just wasn't the right time. I'm thinking at some point in the next year I may look into trying it out again. Not making any guarantees but I expect 2012 to be a much more fruitful year for me so we'll have to see how it works out. And from my other living situations in the past year all I will say is I really need to spend more time feeling it out before committing to the move. My current situation is working out just fine but the old geezers I lived with before were a clear example that not every situation will work out. That, and whether you're gay or straight, old people are horrible and cranky.

2012 was also great for my career. Thankfully I ended my run at the motel and found luck with my current job as a bookkeeper. Sure there were times when frustration grew in and I felt the desire to get out and find something else. But something kept telling me to hold on and appreciate the fact that I have A job. Now at the beginning of the year was when the frustration hit me and although I tried getting into school I just didn't feel it was the right time just yet. Yeah I know, I graduated high school back in 2003 so really any time is as good as now. But honestly there are several reasons why I resisted getting back into school. I think part of me just felt lost and felt that somehow I can figure out my life's path on my own. I also believed that I could somehow just fall into the job of my dreams and work my way up. But I think part of it was also my lack of confidence. I think growing up I did so well in school and was at the top of my class that in a way I felt a little too proud. And once I got into high school and saw that there were a lot more smarter people than myself I just lost that confidence. But this year I realized that I do have potential, and I do have what it takes to make it somewhere in life. My first goal was to study Accounting and eventually land a great job somewhere down the road and makes lots of money. The “American Dream”, right? Not quite. Sure I could stand to be successful and I've been doing bookkeeping/Accounting for about 5+ years so I know I'm good at it. But the question lies in “is it my true passion?”. The answer to that would be no. This I already know and it took halfway into the semester in school, when I finally decided to give it a try, that I realized it may not be for me. I know plenty of people who have spent so much time and effort and money going to school for a particular area of interest and find themselves working in an environment where it is not very applicable. I don't want to be one of those people! Nothing against them, but I'm the type of person that when I commit to something (which honestly is not very often) I SERIOUSLY commit to it. And that's just the way it has to be for me. Right now I want to spend the time finding out what I really want to spend my life doing, and once I find that I really want to focus and push myself to accomplish it. I just registered for a Literature and Speech class. Literature, because I want to improve upon my writing since that is an area that interests me, and if you haven't noticed from my blogs I do genuinely enjoy writing. It's always been a passion of mine, and since I'm not a very extroverted individual I find it helps to get my thoughts out and plus I can be as creative and unique and as funny as I choose. I also chose a Speech class.... well for a couple of reason. The other field I'm looking into is Radio/Voice-Over work. If I had a dollar for every time I was complimented on my voice I swear I could pay for my school funding NOW. So that's something I want to improve on also and see where it can take me. Plus, since I'm not very social I think it would be a great learning tool to overcome any social fears I have. I'm still debating taking an Accounting class for this next semester. I suppose I should since (a) I still want to check out the field and see if I don't change my mind and (b) my company is paying for Accounting classes. I think I'm sold on part “b” because if there's anything I love about Accounting is MONEY. I don't know where my future lies with this job. I do think at some point I may have to let it go once I find that my path is moving in a different direction. But I think 2012 will bring a lot of change in this area and I am pretty excited about it.

So overall I feel this year has been pretty great to me. I'm 26, I'm getting back into shape, and I am learning to surround myself more with positive peeps. I'm not the type to do resolutions because frankly (at least to ME) it's a lot of false hope. Plus I just feel if you're going to make the effort to change something in your life the time should be NOW not on January 1^st. But over the past 5 years I have always made a “promise” to myself. That promise is that every year I make it a point to learn at least 3 things about myself. To me that is much better than a resolution because I can see where my life is going, reflect on that, and make any necessary changes for the upcoming year. So what are my 3 for this year? I think first, is that I can leave the past behind finally. I've carried around too much dead weight and it's gotten me nowhere. My relationship with my dad was never great, and I don't know how it will be since we haven't spoken in several years. But I know that the happiness I want for myself is WITHIN myself and not with him. He doesn't hold the key to my heart.... I do. And sometimes it's easy to forget that when I 'm holding onto so much of the past. The second is that I am a lot more confident than I give myself credit for. I've been insecure for far too long I think. When it comes to dating, those thoughts keep resurfacing and make it almost impossible for me to fulfill something with someone. I just keep thinking about the negative things because in my heart I don't feel I deserve good things. The same goes with school and life in general. Whenever something starts to go well, I immediately shoot it down with negative thoughts because I just trained my brain to think that way. But 2012 will be different. I know I'm capable of reaching success and I know I do deserve good things in life. I know I will see a lot of great things for myself and my future and my happiness will not be compromised. Lastly, I think one thing I've learned about myself is that the world doesn't just revolve around myself. I think I've spent too many years being selfish and only thinking of myself and no one else. This year I made it a point to spend more time with family and friends, and reach out to those I have neglected. I should be thankful for everyone that has been a part of my life and still is. I've had to let go of certain relationships because to me they were destructive. But everyone that is still around I cherish. I've made so many great memories with my friends and family this year and I can only imagine what else is in store for us. I will make more time to call people more and be an active member in their lives, as long as I am able to. As much as I want them to see my success, I want to see THEM reach their potential and realize their dreams and goals. I am inspired by like-minded individuals who see the greater things in life and only want the best for those in their lives. It broke my heart to see how little time I spent with my nephews and niece, and when I got to see them over the holidays I had such an amazing time with them. I know time is short for all of us, and we may never know how much longer we have here. So now is the time to say “I love you” to family and friends and cherish the moments you make, and say the things you want to say. Because you don't want to spend your life regretting an opportunity you missed out on.

Lastly I just want to say for everyone who does read my blogs I say thank you. It started out as a joke just to get out all the stories from my days at the motel. But I've come to realize how therapeutic it is for me, and I've been able to express myself in ways only I know how. I love getting the chance to share what goes on in this crazy head of mine. And thank you so much for being a part of the ride.... unless your seat belt has been too hard to come undone then I just say sorry and I hope you at least kept your eyes closed throughout the ride.