...I Guess The Rest Was Still Unwritten...

Okay so I'm doing something that I've never done... which is to add onto a previous blog post. Why? Well normally I like to think that the last period is the be all end all of my thoughts on that particular posting. However, it occurred to me that the most recent one wasn't quite finished. In fact, I am tempted to remove it altogether but since I have already written a reference to that blog I suppose that would just confuse you ha! But I do feel my journey in this life is never going to be finished, and I certainly will never finish having something to write about. Some things came to mind recently and I felt I needed to share those.

Firstly, I am looking forward to 2012. 2011 has been an amazing year and I do feel that I have grown as a person. I have learned quite a lot about myself and I know it will only get better. Now comes the tricky part. I also realized that to be successful we sometimes have to make sacrifices or take risks that we may be scared to take or face. I graduated in 2003 from high school and the year preceding my graduation all that was floating through my head was the next phase of my life: college. But for me, personally, I felt an enormous pressure not just from myself but from family and peers. With myself because I always knew (still feel) that I have some purpose in this life. I guess in a way we all do but I feel like I'm meant to do something amazing in this world... it's just a gut instinct. I felt pressure as well from family because, well frankly, not many of my cousins have gone onto college. Since I had already been doing so well in school with honors classes and whatnot, there was a huge weight resting upon my shoulders telling me that I needed to set an example. If that's not stressful during Junior/Senior year I don't know what is! I already had enough to deal with what with SATs, college admissions, essays, and my regular school stuff. In hearing everyone else around me plan for his/her future I got to thinking about what I wanted to do and what MY passion was - writing. Since I was younger I was always an extremely shy kid (and still am in some ways) and just felt the only way I was able to express myself was through words. I wrote many poems, letters, notes, journals, all detailing what was going on in my teenage brain (and as described in my previous posts there was a LOT of writing to be done). I did actually have a plan set in mind. My dream was to attend Boston University study Business and Journalism and eventually find the right path between the two. My other options for school were CS Fullerton or SDSU. I actually was accepted to the latter two and for some reason I didn't go. I think part of me felt fearful. I spent a good amount of my youth living under someone else's dream... my father's. Everything I did I felt was for him and I only was left with the scraps. Sadly I let those thoughts interfere with my dreams and I let it go. I worked full time straight out of school and never looked back. Sure I tried several times to go back to school but always gave up. I think several factors went into that. I know I didn't feel confident in myself to know what I wanted in my life. I was working at a job where this girl from my HS was working and she and I would chat every so often. One day I heard that she quit. Luckily I worked in HR so I was all nosey bitch and checked her file for the reasoning. Funnily enough she wrote that she was leaving to do some “soul searching”. Yes I laughed too. Wait you were laughing, right? But the idea seemed fantastic and I was slightly jealous! I felt lost for so long and I wish I could have done the same but instead I stuck to my 9-5. It wasn't until this past year that I revisited the idea of going back to school. Well, it may have had something to do with the fact that my company offered to pay for Accounting classes or something like that... my memory is very foggy. But I did attempt earlier in last Spring semester but the pressure set in again and surprise surprise I gave up. I knew I let myself down and whatever reasons I gave my boss for not continuing I'm sure they weren't too fond of that either. I guess something eventually clicked in my head because I attempted this past semester – and actually stuck with it! I'm proud of myself as I await my grade but it's been a LONG time coming. I think whether or not I accomplish an “A” or “B” letter grade doesn't matter to me (well sort of, let's not get crazy). But I think I'm proud of myself in the fact that I was able to go through a whole semester. I realized a few things along the way as well. I realized firstly that school isn't as hard as it seems, so long as you put the work into it. So many students in my class bitched and bitched about homework and exams and I never did because I actually did the assignments. The other thing I realized is I HATE Accounting LOL. Yes I realize I work in that field but I only swim along the surface, I've never actually gone deep into it (yes that's what he/she said). I think I pictured myself doing that type of work for years and years... and as soon as I woke up from boring myself I knew it's not what I want. Having this blog has allowed me to not only express my thoughts but to also get some practice with my writing. I think I found that spark in it that I once lost and I know this is what I want to do. If I could spend my life writing about the things that I'm passionate about I think I would be very content. I got into a Literature class for the following semester which I am EXTREMELY excited about. I know once I tweak my skills a bit I will be on fire (though hopefully not literally since my laptop is on my lap).

So as I said earlier, now comes the tricky part. You see, now that I'm realizing (or at least tapping into) my true passion there needs to come about some change. My company currently has this expectation that I'll study Accounting, earn my Bachelor's, and eventually handle all the Accounting for the company – WRONG. That is NOT what I want. And sure I can easily walk into work tomorrow, give my notice, and go to school but it's not so easy. So what solution do I have? Well I think for the time being, while they are offering to pay for Accounting courses I'll still take some because I do feel that is information that may become useful, but eventually once I get things going with school I will have to depart. Not only with work, but I feel I may need to change a few other things in my life. I won't say anything just yet but we shall see how things go in the upcoming year. It's kind of funny speaking about jobs. It came to mind that during most interviews I've been on I get asked “where do you see yourself in 5 years”? Sure I give the general answer “I see myself with a degree, moving on up within the company, blah blah blah”. But I never actually posed the question to myself until recently. So where do I see myself in 5 years? At 30-31 I will have figured out my career path, I will have worked towards my AA and then BA and then MA and I will have figured out information about to which school I will transer. Since I am just starting out I have some ideas that I'm looking into. But in 5 years I will have proven to myself that my future is in my own hands. I will have proven to myself that I am capable of accomplishing a lot once I put my heart and soul into it. And where else do I see myself in 5 years? In happiness. I've spent too many years living in darkness, feeling lost, feeling unfulfilled. This past year has shown to me what the future could hold, and I've been given a taste of what that would feel like. I want that. I deserve that. I am ready to take the risks necessary to obtain those goals.

2011 you've been a great friend and you've shown me the way. But our trip is drawing near to an end. And I think I'm ready for 2012 to show me what else is in store for the next chapter of my life.

Because We Need a Resolution

 I feel like I'm having a romantic evening with myself. The bulb in my room went out and since it's so late I didn't want to go anywhere to get a replacement one so here I am in my room with two lit candles. It's sad that this is the most romance I've seen in my own life lately. If this were an emo post I suppose the candles would be too much but thankfully it's not. Well here we are in December... coming to a close on yet another year. And as I do every year, I find myself reflecting on the past 12 months and before. So much has gone on this past year, both good and bad. I guess it's to be expected... as a Libra I expect there to be some type of balance in my life and I feel 2011 has shown me both sides. I'm pretty thankful for the life I have and the things I am able to experience. I'm not one to stick to any type of routine and am fortunate that I can often push myself to do and try new things and see how they work out. This year was certainly no exception. So now I feel I should reflect on everything that has gone on and share some of my ups and downs and all arounds.

As I said, I try to get myself to try new things and experience the most that life has to offer. I don't like settling for any type of routine, and even if it's a temporary change I can at least say that it was something I had the opportunity to experience. One example is my living situation (no this is not another post about my bad living situations in case any certain parties are wondering LOL). I think I've moved more times this year than any other year, and as I said it's all an experience. The beginning of the year I started out living on my own. It was something I had ALWAYS wanted to do and the opportunity fell into my hands. I was living with some friends, and unfortunately their situation wasn't working out so well and chose to move out. Since I was originally occupying space in THEIR apartment the choice came to take over. I was a little uncertain about how it would pan out but then I realized this is something I've been wanting and I took it as a sign to jump at the chance. I LOVED it, but I came to realize the timing wasn't so great (well that and the location really). I hadn't gotten a raise at work yet and was now having to cover extra bills which put a strain on my finances. That and it was further away from work and in a hellishly ghetto area. I lasted about 6 months (which I am quite proud of), although I think my pride kept me there longer since I refused to let go. It was great and as I said I always wanted it but it just wasn't the right time. I'm thinking at some point in the next year I may look into trying it out again. Not making any guarantees but I expect 2012 to be a much more fruitful year for me so we'll have to see how it works out. And from my other living situations in the past year all I will say is I really need to spend more time feeling it out before committing to the move. My current situation is working out just fine but the old geezers I lived with before were a clear example that not every situation will work out. That, and whether you're gay or straight, old people are horrible and cranky.

2012 was also great for my career. Thankfully I ended my run at the motel and found luck with my current job as a bookkeeper. Sure there were times when frustration grew in and I felt the desire to get out and find something else. But something kept telling me to hold on and appreciate the fact that I have A job. Now at the beginning of the year was when the frustration hit me and although I tried getting into school I just didn't feel it was the right time just yet. Yeah I know, I graduated high school back in 2003 so really any time is as good as now. But honestly there are several reasons why I resisted getting back into school. I think part of me just felt lost and felt that somehow I can figure out my life's path on my own. I also believed that I could somehow just fall into the job of my dreams and work my way up. But I think part of it was also my lack of confidence. I think growing up I did so well in school and was at the top of my class that in a way I felt a little too proud. And once I got into high school and saw that there were a lot more smarter people than myself I just lost that confidence. But this year I realized that I do have potential, and I do have what it takes to make it somewhere in life. My first goal was to study Accounting and eventually land a great job somewhere down the road and makes lots of money. The “American Dream”, right? Not quite. Sure I could stand to be successful and I've been doing bookkeeping/Accounting for about 5+ years so I know I'm good at it. But the question lies in “is it my true passion?”. The answer to that would be no. This I already know and it took halfway into the semester in school, when I finally decided to give it a try, that I realized it may not be for me. I know plenty of people who have spent so much time and effort and money going to school for a particular area of interest and find themselves working in an environment where it is not very applicable. I don't want to be one of those people! Nothing against them, but I'm the type of person that when I commit to something (which honestly is not very often) I SERIOUSLY commit to it. And that's just the way it has to be for me. Right now I want to spend the time finding out what I really want to spend my life doing, and once I find that I really want to focus and push myself to accomplish it. I just registered for a Literature and Speech class. Literature, because I want to improve upon my writing since that is an area that interests me, and if you haven't noticed from my blogs I do genuinely enjoy writing. It's always been a passion of mine, and since I'm not a very extroverted individual I find it helps to get my thoughts out and plus I can be as creative and unique and as funny as I choose. I also chose a Speech class.... well for a couple of reason. The other field I'm looking into is Radio/Voice-Over work. If I had a dollar for every time I was complimented on my voice I swear I could pay for my school funding NOW. So that's something I want to improve on also and see where it can take me. Plus, since I'm not very social I think it would be a great learning tool to overcome any social fears I have. I'm still debating taking an Accounting class for this next semester. I suppose I should since (a) I still want to check out the field and see if I don't change my mind and (b) my company is paying for Accounting classes. I think I'm sold on part “b” because if there's anything I love about Accounting is MONEY. I don't know where my future lies with this job. I do think at some point I may have to let it go once I find that my path is moving in a different direction. But I think 2012 will bring a lot of change in this area and I am pretty excited about it.

So overall I feel this year has been pretty great to me. I'm 26, I'm getting back into shape, and I am learning to surround myself more with positive peeps. I'm not the type to do resolutions because frankly (at least to ME) it's a lot of false hope. Plus I just feel if you're going to make the effort to change something in your life the time should be NOW not on January 1^st. But over the past 5 years I have always made a “promise” to myself. That promise is that every year I make it a point to learn at least 3 things about myself. To me that is much better than a resolution because I can see where my life is going, reflect on that, and make any necessary changes for the upcoming year. So what are my 3 for this year? I think first, is that I can leave the past behind finally. I've carried around too much dead weight and it's gotten me nowhere. My relationship with my dad was never great, and I don't know how it will be since we haven't spoken in several years. But I know that the happiness I want for myself is WITHIN myself and not with him. He doesn't hold the key to my heart.... I do. And sometimes it's easy to forget that when I 'm holding onto so much of the past. The second is that I am a lot more confident than I give myself credit for. I've been insecure for far too long I think. When it comes to dating, those thoughts keep resurfacing and make it almost impossible for me to fulfill something with someone. I just keep thinking about the negative things because in my heart I don't feel I deserve good things. The same goes with school and life in general. Whenever something starts to go well, I immediately shoot it down with negative thoughts because I just trained my brain to think that way. But 2012 will be different. I know I'm capable of reaching success and I know I do deserve good things in life. I know I will see a lot of great things for myself and my future and my happiness will not be compromised. Lastly, I think one thing I've learned about myself is that the world doesn't just revolve around myself. I think I've spent too many years being selfish and only thinking of myself and no one else. This year I made it a point to spend more time with family and friends, and reach out to those I have neglected. I should be thankful for everyone that has been a part of my life and still is. I've had to let go of certain relationships because to me they were destructive. But everyone that is still around I cherish. I've made so many great memories with my friends and family this year and I can only imagine what else is in store for us. I will make more time to call people more and be an active member in their lives, as long as I am able to. As much as I want them to see my success, I want to see THEM reach their potential and realize their dreams and goals. I am inspired by like-minded individuals who see the greater things in life and only want the best for those in their lives. It broke my heart to see how little time I spent with my nephews and niece, and when I got to see them over the holidays I had such an amazing time with them. I know time is short for all of us, and we may never know how much longer we have here. So now is the time to say “I love you” to family and friends and cherish the moments you make, and say the things you want to say. Because you don't want to spend your life regretting an opportunity you missed out on.

Lastly I just want to say for everyone who does read my blogs I say thank you. It started out as a joke just to get out all the stories from my days at the motel. But I've come to realize how therapeutic it is for me, and I've been able to express myself in ways only I know how. I love getting the chance to share what goes on in this crazy head of mine. And thank you so much for being a part of the ride.... unless your seat belt has been too hard to come undone then I just say sorry and I hope you at least kept your eyes closed throughout the ride.

My Life Would Suck Without a Kelly Clarkson Album

Ok it’s official: I need help. I must seem to think that my life is a bit of a sitcom with all the interesting scenarios I get myself into. Maybe I just need to hear from someone that I’m not Lucille Ball, or Carrie Bradshaw, or even a woman for that matter! No actually don’t tell me the last one… I’d hate to give up my shoes. And as you know, Kelly LOVES shoes. But sometimes I wish I could have an out of body experience, so that I can look myself straight in the eye, and just give myself the hardest slap across the face. And then as soon as I come to I can then look up at myself and ask “What was that for?” and then I’d respond “Because you’re being a pussy” and well I won’t go much further but let’s just say a couple of innocent hugs lead to some light petting and things just get awkward from there. So now that I’ve made THIS post awkward I think we can go into the real subject. I’ve always said that music is a huge part of my life, in the sense that I can always find the right song to say the things I sometimes have a hard time saying. No artist does this better than Kelly Clarkson. I can relate to so many of her songs and feel that we are soul sisters. So WTF am I talking about you ask? Sorry I’ll try to get to the point before I slap myself again (or before YOU do). I feel like I don’t trust myself as well as I should. Recently I’ve been learning how much my gut instinct has been correct. But there is always that bit of doubt that keeps me from going through and then I end up ignoring the voice in my head. Don’t worry I still listen to the other voices in my head so I’m not going completely crazy. Why are you looking at me strangely? Ok I see your slapping hand coming up so I’ll just get right to it.

So for my regular readers you will remember my post about my dating successes (if you laughed, then you have read it). Well that was really a small percentage of all the experiences/guys I’ve been through. And by small I mean 5%. Trust me, eventually there’ll be a part 2 (and let’s face it, 3) seeing as how I cannot seem to get it. I always tell myself I should be single and just not try to date. It doesn’t work for me, and frankly there really are much more important things going on in my life that I should be putting my focus on. For the past two and a half months I had been seeing this guy. Actually before I get into the details of it all, let’s play a drinking game. How about every time you see a “red flag” you take a shot? Trust me, you’ll be drunk within the first 10 minutes. I would join you but I’m sitting at a computer right now, where my Facebook is easily accessible. And if you had the pleasure of seeing my posts from last night, you’d know that wouldn’t end well. So I met this guy off Grindr (shot) and didn’t really have any expectations… well that’s probably not true. I will admit I have a thing for older guys and this onem who is 40 btw, tickled my fancy (and no “fancy” is not a nickname for anything). But we talked for a while before actually deciding to go out for a date. So when we met, I had a fantastic time. We had a wonderful dinner, wonderful conversation, then went back to his place to watch a movie (and NO that is not code for anything). We did just watch a movie then he drove me back to my place and things went from there. I’ll admit, I am a sensitive person. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and seeing as how I’m still single you know it’s OBVIOUSLY working in my favor (shot). So this guy and I started going out more, about twice a week or so. I was starting to really like him, but seeing how I hadn’t dated in a while I wanted to ease myself into it. I did talk to one or two guys right in the beginning but after a few weeks I felt as though I was in “like” with him. After a month or so I already knew I wanted to focus my attention on only him (shot). Well, maybe it’s cause I haven’t driven in a while but apparently I was on a one-way street. He said he just wasn’t ready for that, and I happily accepted that (shot). So as time went on I struggled with this thought: is this something worth spending my time on? Well since it is ME, of course the answer to that was YES. Why? It all has to do with my self-esteem, or lack thereof (shot). I’ll get into that a bit later but it has been a huge problem for me in many ways. I have become much more accustomed to being alone and doing things on my own; hell, I moved out here SD all by myself and learned to make new friends. So I think I convinced myself that single or not I would be fine. This was obviously NOT the case. I think I attach myself to strongly to guys for two reasons: (a) I don’t like the idea of really being alone, and (b) I sometimes get my nails stuck on them so it’s hard to pull away without breaking them. Did I see the warning signs? Of course (shot). Whenever we’d go out I always noticed him looking at other guys. Now I won’t lie, I check out guys as well, but this was usually a particular type (white, young, and good-looking) AND it was blatantly obvious… I mean he would LINGER on a guy like he was fixated. And naturally I ignored it or pretended not to make a big deal out of it trying to justify it in some way in my head. I kept making excuses for the things I would see, and kept the argument that “well if he IS spending time with ME, then clearly he must ONLY be into me right?” (shot). Right….fully wrong. At this point I felt trapped. I knew I was already investing a lot of time and emotion with this guy, and letting go would be hard at this point. And yes before you say anything (which is probably slurred after all the shots you’ve consumed) I do realize we hadn’t been dating THAT long, which is kind of the point of all this. I found out what his real “type” was, which is basically anything BUT me… and yet I still hung on. We had so many conversations about where things were going, and my advice to myself is this: if you have to keep questioning where things are, the answer is probably NOWHERE. A relationship, to me, should be very clear with its intentions and both parties involved (unless you’re into polygamy) should be on the same page. As I usually do with reading, I was already skipping ahead to the upcoming chapters to sneak a peek at what was going to happen, so yeah I wouldn’t exactly say we were on the same page (double shot). So if you already know where this is going, go ahead and drink a glass of your chaser - you’ve earned your reward. I FINALLY got to meet some of his friends after dating 2.5 months (shot) and I honestly had a really great time. I would definitely like to hang with them again, but who knows with all this. And naturally that same evening I decided to bring up another conversation about where things were (if your bottle is empty you can go ahead and just chuck it at me). And that’s when it all came out… the truth. The truth being that he didn’t want to commit right now, or anytime soon, and just preferred to be friends. Okay I think I need a shot now. Did I know all this already? Oh yeah, boy did I. But as I said, I ignored the signs. I became upset at both parties involved; I was mad at HIM for letting it go so far without saying anything sooner (because in MY mind, if that is how he felt and if I hadn’t brought up the conversation then this would have gone on much longer), and I was definitely more upset with myself for knowing better than to let it go on as long as it did. My gut instinct told me way long ago that this probably wasn’t going to work. And now here I am writing about this, as a way of getting myself to see it from a different angle. Sure, this would have been timed better if I had done it yesterday BEFORE drinking. Note to self: if you’re ever feeling emotional, drinking is NOT the way to go (someone really should have hit the “report” button on Facebook).

So that brings me now to the point: what to do? After this experience I realized that I am not ready for a relationship, because the one relationship I do need to work on is the one with myself. I’ve had several conversations with my best friend about this, and how I need to work on my confidence. I am definitely a work in progress, and right now I feel like I need to get back from my lunch break. I’m not writing this to gather a pity party. I don’t need that. As I said, I need to “emotionally” slap myself. I need to stop ignoring that there is a problem within myself. I keep this idea in my head that I am building my self esteem back up. Part of me thinks that dating is somehow going to fix that, but instead it only worsens the situation. All I can think about is “does he like me?”, “is he talking to someone else?”, and so on. I am so quick to be pessimistic because in my head I don’t feel I deserve good things. I feel that I am a loser, because somehow I trained myself to think that way (or maybe it was something engrained in my head from when I was a child… which is something involving my father). There’s a Kelly Clarkson song “Because of You” that has the lyrics “because of you I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me, because of you I am afraid”. I used to dedicate this song to my dad because I felt the words expressed all the anger I had towards him. But now I am realizing that maybe it’s not HIM that I should be angry at. He’s not in my life at the moment, and it is just myself. I am literally my own worst enemy, and I think I need to start becoming fast friends. Trust me, I know I deserve happiness just like everyone else. And I know I deserve a partner who will love me, and cherish me, and bring out the best of me. And I KNOW that the partner is myself. This has been building up for too long now and if I continue to ignore it then I don’t know what else could happen. I need to find a way to work on myself, to build my confidence back up and start believing in myself again. I feel like I somehow lost myself over the years and I don’t know where I am. I will find myself again, I know I will. Every day is a new opportunity to learn more about myself and “start over”. Well on that note I think I am going to get ready for bed and hit the “reset” button from the weekend. Well I think I’m also talking to myself since, chances are, you are probably passed out in your own drool. It’s a tough battle, the one with yourself. But I want this war to be over because I want to see through the smoke again. One day. I’ll find the Chris that has been missing all these years. Boy, the stories we have to share with each other.

On a side note, I think I should have made an extra drinking game for every time I hit the CAPS LOCK button.

Love Don't Live Here Anymore... or Sanity... or Serenity

You hear that? That’s the sound of my “new” laptop. And by “new” I mean “recently acquired”. My roomie made me a pretty good offer since he had been looking for a new one himself. Naturally I jumped at the opportunity, well for a few reasons. One, being that it’s hard having to do homework at work either during my lunch or trying to do other assignments. Multi-tasking was never in my list of skill sets so I won’t even attempt that. Ironically, on every resume I have submitted in my life I always put that I’m a great multi-tasker. I guess it’s true if by that I mean I am both a great and horrible liar. If that’s the case, then I need not go further. But speaking of roomies, recently I’ve been pondering what my next topic for this blog would be. Finding inspiration in my life is rather difficult. It may come as a shocker but I don’t exactly lead a very glamorous life. My schedule these days consists of: work, school, and gym (on odd days and by odd I mean when I somehow manage to get up before 5 am). So whenever I do find something interesting to write about I feel I have to strike while the iron’s hot… which leads me to the subject of roommates. Now raise your hand if you’ve ever had the fortune (or misfortune, depending on how well you relate to the upcoming stories) of having a roommate situation? First off, consider yourself a failure because I never said “Simon Says”. So you lose. But in my experience, it’s always been a coin toss. I’ve had different types of roommates - family, friends, exes, strangers, weirdos - and each can have a different outcome. I’ll get into the current one a little later but this should be pretty interesting. This should be about as exciting as a letter from your landlord; you’ll probably put off reading it for a while because you know nothing good will come from this.

Well if you can believe it or not, I used to be pretty stupid. I know, how times have changed. But I would say between the age of 18 - probably yesterday I didn’t make the greatest of choices. One that comes to mind was right around my 19^th birthday. Without getting into detail about my relationship with my dad since that horse has been beaten quite a bit (and I’m sick of the calls from PETA) I’ll just say that the year after I graduated high school was when I “officially” came out, parade and all. So as you can imagine, living with him wasn’t exactly sunshine and lollipops. It was more like rain clouds and black licorice. But the subsequent months after my closet departure, I found it to be a pain in the ass living situation. NO, this story is not about THAT experience. As I mentioned in a previous blog, all the “dad” stories will be summed up in a later post. But about a month before I turned 19 I began dating this guy, Nick. We met off the internet (of course) and struck up a nice exchange before taking things to the next level which, if you’re gay, obviously means becoming more serious after just one month. Funny how you don’t get a manual or pamphlet when you first come out. I almost feel that the nearest LGBT center should get some sort of signal a la Batman and have a messenger deliver a package with all necessary “gay survival” items. What it should include is information on how NOT to move quickly in a relationship, because no good can happen. Sure, Nick was funny and sweet. Attractive? Meh. I think I gravitated towards him for some sense of security moreso than actual feelings. Hey, I’m just being honest here. No sense in lying in my own blog, especially since I did mention how horrible of a liar I am. But anyway, a few weeks into dating him my dad and I got into one of our usual spats and I felt I was reaching my breaking point. I needed out, and I needed it quick! So, with nowhere else to turn, I talked Nick into letting me move in with him. Now, if you need help with the math on this, at this point we had been dating a good two weeks… which is obviously the equivalent of our gay 6 months. Boy, was I in for a treat. I was now moving into an apartment with ONE homophobe to now an apartment with a straight couple, and a super hefty straight guy (aka Nick’s best friend). ON a side note, if these were the only friends he had then I should have just evicted myself at that point. First off, Nick and his friend were fucken slobs! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not exactly the most organized person myself but these guys were something else. They often “cooked” Hamburger Helper and would leave dishes in the sink for at least a few days, building up with grease and lawrd knows whatever else is in Hamburger Helper. Secondly, the best friend smoked like crazy so his butts were everywhere (and thankfully THOSE butts cause homeboy did not know how to say no to food). Thirdly, the straight couple was weird as hell. For example, the boyfriend was a total douche who could easily play a part in Batman with how good a two face he had. The girlfriend (I’m shuddering as I’m thinking of this), was literally the size of Wee-man from Jackass (there was even photo evidence of this claim) and she sure LOVED to walk around topless. I guess in her mind she lived with two gay guys who would never do a double take as she passed down the hall and with another guy who was too busy either playing video games or waiting for the McRib to come back. Let me just be frank with you honey: EVEN if I were straight there is no way I would want to stare at your lopsided tits. I was under the impression that you worked at Rainforest Café, not at the airport misguiding traffic with your headlights. It didn’t take very long for Nick and I to stop dating (one month into my moving) and although he and I kept a fairly amicable friendship (in other words, he didn’t kick me out) situations in the apartment worsened. The couple was, for some reason, out to get me and get me out. I don’t know why… I guess it had to do with my not being on the lease (even though I did pay rent… yeah I don’t get it either). I think this is the point in my life where the black woman in me came out because if I developed anything in that time it was sass. But after several arguments they eventually decided to move out. Phew! Thank gawd my retinas could heal themselves once again…. Well, that is until the best friend’s mom moved in. And NO, I’m not implying that I saw her headlights (shuddering again). Nick moved into the room we shared with his best friend, whereas I took the other empty room he had once occupied. This was perfect for me but boy were those guys disgusting. I remember walking in their room once to get something and had to build a float just to get through the sea of soda cans and fast food bags (I’m not even exaggerating one bit). And the guy’s mom was just as atrocious. Heavy smoker and brought in her three cats. I don’t know what would have been worse - inhaling the smoke fumes or inhaling the scent of white trash. Needless to say, I eventually gave up on them too and forced myself out of the lease from which I eventually signed onto. My lungs and my sanity were intact once again.

Fast forward a few years later and I find myself in downtown Los Angeles. I had always dreamt of living/working there and was happy to have found the right opportunity. I worked as both a personal and accounting assistant for this restaurant/bar management company and enjoyed my stay there. Unfortunately, my living situation was far from great. After living with my sister for a few months and feeling the need to get out on my own, I decided to look around and had a “friend” offer to let me crash with him for a while. And by “friend” I don’t mean THAT. The few months I was there was a nightmare enough so let’s not throw any more to that please. So in an act of desperation (I think we have a theme going here) I decided to say yes and moved in quickly with him. Here’s the thing… it was a studio. With one bed. Which we would both be sharing. Yeah… again, no good can come from that. Now since I want to hide this person’s identity let’s just call him Randy. Yes, his “legal” name WAS Randy but as of late he’s developed a few other personalities so I don’t think any of them would mind right now. Honestly, I didn’t know Randy all that well. I met him through my best friend and had occasionally hung out with him and his previous boyfriend. Aside from that, I had only hung out with him one-on-one maybe but a handful of times? I don’t know, it’s a memory I’d soon come to block out. But BOY was he a weird one. Little did I know that this was probably the beginning of his mental breakdown (I’m not even exaggerating about this one either) and I was beginning to question my choices in living situations. First off, he was a major control freak. He liked telling other people what to do and how they should live their lives. I think I would rather take life lessons from Dr. Kevorkian than this clown. The other thing, is that he had an incredibly odd diet. Or rather, he had an odd way of justifying his reasons for eating certain meals. For example, he LOVED El Pollo Loco; loved their chicken taquitos. He tried convincing me that it was a great source of protein and overall an extremely healthy choice, all while dunking it in some sauce. Yeah, again I would rather take diet lessons from Gabourey Sidibe. His other obsession came in chocolate form - let me go ahead and clarify myself before that image gets ugly. He LOVED chocolate milk. During his “I’m getting back on track with the running” phase (all of two weeks) he would always gulp down a glass of chocolate milk. Why? You guessed right (just play along that you actually made an attempt), he said it was for protein. What in Willy Wonka hell is he talking about? This guy was as delusional as Lindsay Lohan, and with an extra side of crazy for your dipping pleasure. In my head I imagine his take on a “protein shake” would consist of chocolate milk, two grilled chicken breasts, a cup of ranch dressing, and some Nestle Quik powder because after all he is a growing boy (not vertically).

So now if your trusty remote is still working let’s fast forward a bit more to the present day. As much as I would LOVE to talk about the last living situation I had with the two geezers I think I already discussed that in a previous blog. So just open a new tab on your browser, read that snippet, and come back. It’ll make the timeline that much more interesting, but I can’t guarantee I’ll be waiting for you. So after moving out of THAT retirement home I found a great opportunity with my friend down in Hillcrest (and you know that’s all I needed to hear to say “yes”). To be honest, everything about it seemed great – the location, the closeness of the bars and restaurants, and hello the GAYS. What more could another gay want? Too good to be true? Of course. So my friend has been dating this guy for a few months and around the time I moved in the boyfriend did as well. My friend is in his 30s and the guy is in his early 20s so what could go wrong there? Now don’t get me wrong, I have no problem with age differences. After all I am quite fond of older men, especially as of late. But one thing I stay away from is anyone under the age of 25. Trust me; I used to be under 25 like a year ago so I know better to stay away from that age group. Not to overgeneralize, but my belief is that someone in that range is still figuring themselves out and usually isn’t very immature: case in point. So when I signed up to move in I asked all the necessary questions but apparently I forgot to ask about the boyfriend which, as it turns out, what would the biggest problem. Again, I don’t have anything PERSONALLY against the boyfriend except that these two argue every night (again I’m not even exaggerating one bit). Literally, every single night since I moved in they have argued and yelled and caused up some sort of drama. Over what you ask? Beats me, but personally I don’t like drama and I certainly don’t like arguing. They argue at odd hours of the night and it’s kept me up. Why don’t I say anything? Well why don’t you stop asking me so many questions, how’s that? But yesterday I did finally discuss the matter with them as I finally was fed up with it. I can be patient in some regard but not for this. I kept quiet and let them try to sort out their ish but when I get involved, and when I lose sleep over this, that is when I get involved. One thing I don’t enjoy is losing sleep because I get real cranky, and trust me no one wants a cranky queen getting up in your face. And as you can imagine, this BS is only exacerbated even more when alcohol is involved. Over the weekend they got drunk and almost got into a physical altercation. Okay look… I know that I signed up to move to Hillcrest (aka gaytown, aka “the other Queens”) but this is too much. Don’t even get me started on my friend’s friend – someone who likes to stir up drama and act catty to get a rise out of people, and someone who flirts with EVERYBODY and their dads. If this is what people think of gay men then it’s pretty obvious why we can’t get married. Actually with all this arguing it seems like they ARE married and share his and his drama (personally I’d settle for towels). I don’t get how two people can argue so goddamn much. At some point you’d think they would say “okay this is a problem that we need to confront” but NOPE not even close. The other day when they got physical, the very next day they acted as though nothing had happened. Clearly some of the crazy I experienced in LA trickled down into SD… or maybe it’s a gay thing? Well whatever it is I hope they put an end to it. Well yesterday I finally brought it up and am hoping that things will be much quieter going forward. And yes I used the Ross Geller method.

Yes I have moved a lot. I probably have other stories to share (of course I do) but these were the most fun to write about. I think eventually I will look into getting my own place again. The only bitch I like dealing with in the a.m. and p.m. is myself. But for now I’ll try to steer clear of the crazies. So if you ever come to my place don’t expect to find cigarettes, chocolate milk, lotion, or drama. Other than that, mi casa es tu casa…. whatever that means. Crazy Mexicans and their words. Oh and I am not exaggerating one bit about any of this if that wasn't already clear. Oh and you can go ahead and start laughing now.... Simon says.

There's No Greater Power than the Power of Goodbye... or the power of Madonna

*yawn* ugh here I am again. Boy, am I wiped out. The past week sure took a lot out of me. I realized many things as I reached another birth anniversary. But mostly that I can’ t get away with acting younger. LOOKING younger, yes – and I plan to ride that out for as long as possible. But I had an awesome time. I had a very nice dinner last Wednesday that turned into a night I won’t soon forget… or remember for that matter. The funny thing is, I had planned it out for that day because I wanted to avoid going out and staying out later. But nonetheless, once I get a sip of alcohol all bets are off. You know how gays are with our alcohol, it’s like blood to a vampire – it nourishes us and helps keep us up till the wee hours of the night. Then Friday I went out with a “friend” and FINALLY got to meet up with an old friend from HS. What’s funny is that we both live in San Diego and in the 2 ½ years I’ve been here I have not seen her. But I figured what better occasion than to see each other and catch up. Unfortunately she was working so I couldn’t talk as much as I wanted but nonetheless it was great seeing her and hopefully we can get together again soon. And next time I’ll remember to take a picture since that seems to always slip my mind. How the hell am I expecting to make memories if I don’t snap a picture at that moment? Lawrd knows my memory is about as great as my coordination (see previous blogs) so I need to get better at it. And then obviously this past weekend I was up in LA and got both hang with my mom and my friends, obviously not together. I don’t know how my mom would feel about being around a bunch of gays and trannies. The only great part about it is that she would most likely out-drink me. I’ve seen that woman drink and TRUST me, so I feel I’m letting her down because I can’t quite keep up… at least not anymore. The great thing about getting older is that you definitely get a little wiser…. Or rather you SHOULD. I can’t say everyone gets smarter as they get older but from my own personal experience I feel as though I’m a different person from even a year ago. I’ve fallen, gotten back up, and unfortunately that’s not a metaphor – I really have horrible coordination. What kind of Libra am I if I lack balance? But I wanted to share a few life lessons I’ve come across the past year, in hopes that I can continue on the path towards discovering myself.

So if you’ve been following my Facebook posts (how could you not when there’s a new entry every hour?), you would have seen me discuss letting go of the past. Well, it has come to my attention that I haven’t exactly moved on from the past and have been carrying that baggage with me like a piece of toilet paper on my heel. Ladies and lady-boys, you know what I’m talking about. Well, it’s been tough. I can’t go into detail just yet but it all basically centers around one person – my father. For those who don’t know, I’ve been estranged from him for over 3 years. With everything I went through as a kid, I just had to learn how to live my life happily even if it meant cutting people out. In our last conversation I told him that my being gay was not a phase, it wasn’t a mistake. My hair choices on the other hand, yes those are horrible phases and even worse mistakes but this was not the case. And as a side note if you ever see me post or even mention the words “hair dye” please feel free to buzz my hair off in my sleep. I can’ t expose the world to that type of tragedy ever again. Getting back to the topic, I think I psyched myself into believing that that was my way of “moving on”. 3+ years later and I’m still dealing with the same issues. More recently, I’ve been feeling the skeleton pop out of my closet… and perfect, just in time for Halloween! Nothing spooks me more than the ghosts of Halloweens past. In the past week I had two separate conversations with friends where the subject of my dad came up and you could’ve called me Pandora because my box opened wide (not a euphemism). The first conversation was difficult and I found myself sharing some very personal information that FEW people know about. But it felt great, and again I thought that was enough. But LATER that evening when the conversation came up with my other friend I just broke down. Note to self: if you’re going to go drinking make sure you’re not going to be an emotional wreck. Thankfully I opted out of wearing my mascara that night otherwise I would have would have been sporting the raccoon look well before Halloween. But after both those incidents I realized I needed to learn to let go. My 26^th birthday was coming up and if I was going to move into a new year it would have to be a complete change. And just like a new season, I had to ditch the old heels and learn how to walk in a new pair… particularly with a shorter heel since again I am extremely clumsy (I hope you are getting the point of this, I shouldn’t be allowed to walk drunkenly let alone soberly). So I decided that now was the time for saying goodbye. I don’t think I would want to have a conversation with my dad over this. From my experience with him, I never seem to get my point through and all conversations lead to heated arguments. And since heat and humidity to a disservice to my hair I couldn’t risk taking that route and not be allowed to express myself fully. So soon, very soon, I will post an “open letter” to my Dad. It was going to be posted before this blog but honestly it’s not an easy thing for me to share. Don’t get me wrong, it will go up but this is my chance to say EVERYTHING to him that I have wanted to say for years. If you do the math, my parents divorced when I was 8, I first came out to my family around 14, then again at 18, and stopped talking to him 3ish years ago. So there’s about a good span of half my life worth of emotions that will be released. Unlike my blogs, I won’t just write and edit. I have to open up the wound and let it bleed out if I’m ever going to heal. Trust me; I am a much different person today than I was a year ago. I am much happier, and feel like I have a lot to appreciate. And if I am only going to get better then this is something I have to do. Goodbye to the past and hello to my future.

After visiting my friend Sarah on my birthday, I realized I need to make more time to see friends and family. I had not seen her since we graduated which was back in 2003. I’ll go ahead and do the math for you… that’s 8 years. I had a good time catching up with her, albeit a brief conversation since she was working but it was still nice. And even spending time with my mother this past weekend was very refreshing. Going along with what I mentioned in paragraph above, there are reasons why I have held back from making time for other people. I sometimes feel as though I could be a better son, brother, and friend; instead, I’m a bitter one. Like I said, I’ve held onto a lot of feelings from my past that have hindered my growth as a person. In regards to this, the truth is that I fear loneliness. I fear rejection. I fear the idea of getting close to anyone, because in my heart I just feel I’m going to be disappointed. With my dad, I tried several times to build a relationship and to become closer with one another but unfortunately every time always had the same result: I put in the work, while he just waits to get what he wants. I take that through every relationship I’ve had since. I keep a distance just close enough so that we can remain in contact, but far enough so that I don’t have to make myself so vulnerable. Is this a great approach? No. Well, not always; there are always exceptions to these things. I mean I do have some friends with whom I’m very close and share many details of my life but they are very few. I have realized now just how unhappy that has made me. You have no idea how much I want to reach out and talk to someone and get to know them. In my head the fear sets in that as soon as I expose myself to them (no, not like that) that they will leave me or hurt me. I’ve had it happen with my dad and other people whom I felt were good friends… boy was I wrong. I know I shouldn’t feel this way about everybody, but that’s the point I’m making. Is that now that I’m getting older and seeing the damage this is doing then I know what I need to do to fix it. I need to carve out time to see my family, call my friends, and build stronger relationships because the same problems that exist with opening up and getting closer with them has also trickled into my dating life. I have pushed so many people away because the thought of them seeing the real me is a scary thing. I mean if you can imagine me without any make up on that’d be a scary thing to see every morning (also in time for Halloween if you need costume ideas), so you know most people don’t see my vulnerable side. I just want to get to a point where I am 100% happy and content with my life and with those I surround myself with. My dad never learned to do that and has lived his life miserably and alone and that is something I hope to never experience for myself.

So as a final thought, I am happy at 26 – but probably about 60%. How did I come up with that number you ask? Well I work in Accounting, so numbers fascinate me. Plus I looked at something that had the number “60” so inspiration isn’t exactly flowing through me. What do you want from me? It’s too early. And yes I realize it’s the afternoon but after the week/end I’ve had I deserve a whole day to recover. I hope technology gets to a point where it can automatically transcribe our thoughts into writing without having to type. I’m lazy, give me a break. Besides then I could finally get away from the Kardashian-esque blog name and move into something more fun, like the “Bob Loblaw Law-less Law Blog” (pat yourself if you get the reference). But I am looking forward to the future. Once I learn to finally stop looking in the rear-view mirror I can learn to drive into the sunset. Of course, I need an actual car to accomplish this so maybe this isn’t the best analogy. But basically I mean that I can let go of the things that have held me back from being the person I really am and will be (and no her name is not Kelly, thanks).

Additionally, I just wanted to say that I never expect anyone to read these blogs but some of y’all have mentioned that you do. For that I say thank you, and sorry that you don’t have anything better to do. No really, go read a book. I kid, but thanks for the support and hope that I can bring a smile to your day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to making faces at my computer screen while holding onto the same paperwork I did 3 hours ago to make it look as though I’m working hard today. Don’t judge me. I get paid to look this good, that’s all that matters.

We're Just Ordinary People.... Except These Folks

First off, I’m just going to say that I miss my laptop. We had some good times, some bad times, and a lot of private time. I’ll leave it at that for your sake. But the one thing I miss is writing. So much has gone on in just the past few months. So much to share, so little RAM. You know, the one constant I love about life is that you always run into new people throughout your existence. Whether it’s a onetime thing (not involving a night stand), or someone you come across every so often, there’s always something to be said about those individuals. And since you know I LOVE finding inspiration to blog, I dedicate this particular one to a few select individuals for whom I had the pleasure (in terms of having something to write about) of meeting. Look, I know I post a lot about being positive and looking at the brighter things in life. So you might sit there and think “well that seems a little contradictory to the messages you’re spewing”. Not exactly so, because I am POSITIVE that these people are a hot mess and my life has shined brighter now that I’ve created some distance. See? My glass is still half full…. So someone needs to refill my vodka thanks.

Once again I moved to a new residence. I think this one might be a record as I was only at the previous one for about 3-4 months or so. Sure, the first month everything seemed great. I moved in with these two older guys, 45 and 55 years old (not a couple), whom I had met off of Craigslist after I had posted an ad. Yeah, there’s absolutely nothing about that last sentence that could raise some flags. I guess part of me felt a little desperate since my search had been going miserably. So it was either I find a new place quickly or stay at my apt and live off top ramen for a month. Not sure if I can do that without possibly turning Asian by the next month. I justified the move with it being in a nicer, quieter area. It was truly a hard thing saying goodbye to the homeless who doubled as my neighbors. Now who was going to wake me up in the middle of the night with their ramblings and bum fights? I guess I could hire a few guys, but it just wouldn’t be the same. But I felt the new place was going to be a great improvement. As I said, it was in a nicer, quieter area; the guy had a washer and dryer set; it had a nice view of the canyon (because there is no selling point greater than staring out into a field of nothing); and of course the Jacuzzi. I don’t know if part of me was expecting to create my own “Real World” hot tub experience (not with the roomies) but it seemed different enough to say yes. Unfortunately the only thing “real” about the Jacuzzi was that it was “real” bad timing since I moved in during summer so there wasn’t really any need for it really. So a little about these guys… they were older, hardly ever went out, were gay, and boy did they love pot. And I mean they LOVED pot. They smoked literally every single day, at least a few hits a night. Now don’t get me wrong – I, myself, have dabbled in Mother Nature’s best and find it can be relaxing. But I certainly don’t need to hit it up every single day, and not to the point that they did. What could two old grumps possibly need to chill from? Don’t worry, in 5 years you can take advantage of the early bird specials. Or are you stressing over your retirement fund? It certainly wasn’t about keeping up a nice home cause in the 3-4 months I was there, I saw them clean a total of two times – once because they were throwing a 4^th of July party, and the second because company was coming over. I hope someone tells them that bugs don’t clean up after themselves, and they didn’t either. I remember one time I got scolded because I didn’t wash some dishes that were left in the sink (which were NOT mine). I really need to remember to print copies of craigslist ads because I was wondering if “houseboy” was listed under the roommate description. Well at least I could finally put that maid costume to use. So naturally because they were older, it was only a matter of time before the creepy factor set in. I remember whenever I would head out, the oldest one would ask where was I headed, with whom am I going out, is it someone I’m dating, and if I’m planning on brining anyone home. I don’t know about you all readers, but I moved out of my parent’s home a long ass time ago. So my days of reporting to my elders were about as gone as their chances of picking up a broom. Maybe I should have made something up that way he could sleep better at night, although I’m sure a warm glass of milk would do the job at his age. I later discovered (translation: he confessed) during an argument that he had been going in my room when I wasn’t home. To do what, I don’t know and frankly I don’t know if I wanted to find out. I guess I should have suspected something because there were always dog hairs in the room, and he was pretty hairy. I’m sorry but between him, the other guy, and the dog…. I was only fond of one other bitch than myself. So the final cherry to this bloody Sunday was an accusation of stealing lotion. Yeah… you heard that right: LOTION. I don’t know what was more ridiculous, the fact that I was being accused of something that at most cost $6 or the fact that I stood there long enough to hear about all this. Maybe it was me, who knows (spoiler alert: it wasn’t), but considering he had been going in my room the last thing I wanted to supply this guy with was lotion.

Okay. So because I’m at work and because it’s fresh in my mind let me introduce you to a new character I’ve come across in this sitcom called my life. No, I wouldn’t dream of having such a simple title. As the saying goes “Go Big or Go Home”, and no THAT’S not the title either. I’ll get back to that, as I am going on a tangent. A few months ago my company received the worst news possible. Frankly, it’s the worse news a gay person could hear: my incredibly hot coworker was leaving us. Now would have been the time to change religions and seek out God because that is all kinds of NOT RIGHT. I mean I guess it had something to do with him graduating from law school and blah blah blah. Psshhh… we all know he’s only good for one thing: being hot. So unless there’s a new form of law that requires lawyers to remain shirtless, I’m hardly interested. So as these things go, I can only wait in anticipation to see who would soon replace him. I mean, those are some pretty big shoes to fill. And we all know what they say about big shoes: no chance in hell anyone is going to better him. And sure enough I was right. After retiring from her apparent stint as “faces of meth”, the new coworker was found. Now don’t get me wrong I like to give people chances, but as an employee and a team person I have my own expectations. This chick has exceeded not a one. And since I’m Mr. “Not the One” it was only a matter of time before I would find a reason to blog about her. Seriously, I could write a whole book on her regarding what she wears, what she says, how she acts, her incompetence… well you get the idea. No? Okay, her laugh, her open obsession with junk food, and so on. No one should be wearing hooker heels to work, no one should be acting as though they’re doing their job right when I find mistake after mistake, and no one should be allowed to bring up random topics during lunch meetings such as death and serial killers. The next time I see any of this going on I swear I will chuck a pop tart at her face. Thankfully since that is ALL she eats all day, I’ll have an unlimited supply. I mean the other day during our weekly office lunch meeting, we were all getting ready to eat when she noticed they didn’t give her ranch dressing with her meal. Not only did she throw a fit and storm off, thereby making a tool of herself, but she also simultaneously made lunch much more enjoyable since she didn’t join us. I mean for crying out loud, the food is FREE to us. And between you and me, homegurl could stand to back off the ranch. I’ve seen fresher faces in a retirement home. I don’t know whose bright idea was it to hire her but they need to spend some time in the corner re-thinking this one. Thankfully she works in the warehouse shipping area, because the first moment where I catch her sleeping I’m hauling her ass in a box and shipping her to Canada. Consider it payback for giving us Justin Bieber.

I actually thought I was going to include more individuals on this post but I think I got enough of a kick out of these characters. It’s never a dull moment in my life, that’s for sure. Sometimes I wonder what I could do to rid myself of people like this, but then what else would I write about? Oh yeah, my blonde moments, my dating disasters, my clumsiness, my bad fashion choices, bus riders, drunken highlights…. Okay I think you get the point. As long as I am still alive and kicking there will always be good writing inspiration and some good Khronicles…. On a side note, I need to seriously re-think the name of this blog. It sounds like something one of those effed up Kardashians came up with. No wonder why I have a hard time “keeping up”.

Wake Me Up Before I.... Uh Oh.... Nevermind

So on my way to work this morning I realized a few things: (a) it should never be this hot before noon, (b) SD STILL needs to improve their transportation system, and (c) I should never let my hair grow out this long knowing the ongoing love-hate (the “love” part is silent) relationship I have with humidity. It reminds me of that episode of Friends when they’re in Barbados and Monica’s hair turns into that of a sistah’s. Additionally, what I realized was how often I put myself into embarrassing situations (and how much I should really invest in a hat or pocket mirror). So I figured I’d share a few of my favorite moments in life. My life is basically like an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos; thankfully with less Bob Saget. Now keep in mind that there are a LOT of moments I could share but who has the time? Just think of this as a really great bloopers special – aka my legacy.

Probably one of the biggest things I get the most flack about is my lack of coordination. Walking should be as easy as riding a bike. Unfortunately, I never learned how to do that either so I’m pretty F-ed. Yes, you read that right: I NEVER LEARNED TO RIDE A BIKE. Not that there weren’t opportunities. I went through the training wheels period, just never really pedaled past that. A certain person’s lack of patience became a bigger bump in the road than the actual bumps in the road. Wow, this whole blaming my estranged father for all my problems is actually becoming easier than I thought (:p). But any who, I’m not quite sure why it’s such a problem for me; I can’t even multitask it’s that bad. A perfect example is once when I was living in Dana Point, my dad and I lived in a duplex and we occupied the top space. Well one afternoon, I was going to meet up with a friend and I was walking (note: not running) down the stairs while simultaneously texting him. As I made my way down, I thought I’d be cool and take a giant leap from the last step onto the pavement. My first mistake was in trying to do ANYTHING remotely “cool”. The only “cool” things I should be allowed to do are “down”. Well, that’s exactly the direction I went – face-first. I literally touched the ground as a bunch of cars were waiting for the light to change. Little did they know that they’d be getting a show at the drive-in. Too bad for me, my car wasn’t so close by otherwise I would have slithered into my car dragging my shame behind me. As you can probably guess, I was that kid who always got picked last in sports – EVERY sport. I think the only time I didn’t get picked last (surprise, I was SECOND to last) was when every other person on the team was a star player so I was pretty disposable. No matter to me; I mean I got to stand around, get some sun, watch hot guys run around (often shirtless), still got a B in the class AND the best part was not even having to break a sweat. Now who really is the loser? Okay you can stop pointing at me, thanks.

So as I’m sitting here I can’t help but be reminded of how difficult even THAT has been for me. For someone who has spent most of his career working in offices you would think I would have it mastered. Alas, even I have fallen (key word) victim to an object that doesn’t require much effort besides literally just sitting. Years ago I used to work for a staffing agency as a payroll admin/receptionist. My job consisted of entering applications into the system and having them ready for the recruiters when interviews were scheduled. Sooooo the way the office was set up was just four desks set up in a square space (two desks in front and one each behind them) and no cubicles. One day upon completing a stack of applications the recruiter behind me asked to see one since her interview was due to arrive. Now to set the scene: in the office was myself, her, the other recruiter (who was in the middle of conducting an interview at her desk), and then a few other folks waiting to be interviewed/use the computers. Well this was again one of those moments where I tried being something I wasn’t: cool (see previous paragraph). This was also a perfect example of how fat and incredibly lazy I was. Rather than get up and walk the 3 feet behind me to hand the recruiter the application, I decided to roll my chair back and hand it to her behind my head without looking at her. What a douche. I certainly got what I deserved, that’s for sure. Right as she is about to reach for it, I lean back a little more and the next thing you know, my legs are up in the air (no, not something I should be used to) and I topple over – chair and all! Lawrd if you could have seen the look on my face. I just got served a dosing of carpet and leather – two things I really don’t care for in the slightest. If there’s anything I despise less (which is really a LOT) it’s embarrassing myself in public. Sure I can be a fool by myself just fine, but I don’t really care much for a crowd. Sadly, this wasn’t the last time an incident like this occurred for me. The next time was a little more private (and thankfully at a different job). I had the pleasure of being stuck with an old, rocky chair for my desk (a chair that really should come with an insurance form if you ask me) and I hated it, and I’m sure it hated me. I mean around that time I weighed over 220 lbs so no chair could really enjoy my company. Well as I was listening to music and checking something in our databse, I leaned in to grab something across my desk and whoop there I went again on my fat ass. If chairs could speak, I’m sure it would have found a way to fall over again but this time in laughter. I don’t know what hurt more, my ass or my dignity.

Now taking this whole sitting thing a step further, I also suck badly at driving. Anyone who has had the displeasure of having to play passenger to me should know there’s a reason why I don’t have a car right now; it’s called “for the good of the nation”. I’m surprised steering wheels haven’t placed a restraining order again me. I don’t know what’s worse: my inability to follow directions or just simple driving techniques such as parking or DRIVING. One moment that comes to mind was when I was driving with my bestie Josh in the passenger seat. I forget where we were headed, but it involved taking a left turn. So because I’m SOOOO great at doing two things at once, I go to make a left turn and somehow turned right onto the center divider and drove right over it. For a second I thought I had missed a pedestrian and hit THEM but sadly the only person who lost out on this situation was me. This was my first car and poor thing had no idea what they were getting into, or who was getting into him. RIP Nissan Stanza. As I said, I suck at directions. I’ve even gone out of the way to print mapquest directions many times and still somehow manage to even fuck THAT up. My parents would be so proud of me right now. Another incident was when I was going to visit Josh again on a Friday after work. Now, I had been to his house MANY times and even after work had figured out the route and became pretty familiar with it. So what happened next could ONLY happen to me (the jury may still be out on that but I’m pretty confident that I am sitting alone on that boat). I left work (at that time was Irvine), made my way to his place (Rowland Heights) while jamming out to my music and singing out loud (most likely a Britney song) and at one point on my trip I looked up to see “Rosemead Blvd”. For those who are unaware, my route should have gone as follows: 5 North to the 57 North. “Rosemead Blvd” is near Santa Fe Springs – almost 20 miles NORTH of where my exit was. So yes, I had been sitting pointlessly in traffic for about a half hour more than I should have.

Good grief who the hell gave me the OK to get a license? I actually FAILED my first driving test for good reason. Clearly driving was not in my future. Now would be the best time to point your freshly-manicured fingers at my dad once again, who at this time is unable to defend himself. It makes sense. If he had been more patient when I was learning to ride a bike then I wouldn’t have failed so badly when it came to walking, sitting, driving, standing, thinking, and doing more than ONE thing at a time. But then again, my mishaps wouldn’t be half as entertaining. Don’t thank him for that either. Thanks for reading again. I would bow or curtsy but considering my luck, I think my doctors would advise against that.

Jesus Take the Wheel... or Basically Anyone But Me

Well hello again. You may want to pull up a seat, as this blog is going to take a somewhat serious route. Just think of it as your parents telling you they’re taking you to Disneyland, when in fact they are taking you to the dentist’s office. By the end of this journey everyone will be left miserable and somewhat woozy from its effects. And hey, who knows, maybe it’ll make going to Disneyland that much more fun.

So now, some recent events have made me “hmmm” quite a bit. I’ve been “hmm”-ing so much lately that I’ve lost about 15 lbs from all the air I’ve been expelling. I think I even lost a lung, but who needs two really? Now there’s a problem that I’ve been carrying around with me since I was a pre-teen. Something that only two people are aware of, and not even my family knows anything of it.

Since I was younger, I have suffered from depression and what I believe is social anxiety. It stems from my relationship (or lack thereof) from my father, and my childhood. You see, when I had the misfortune of having to live with him after my freshman year in HS my life took a serious turn. Everyone thought it would be a great idea. I mean, living in the OC, a school full of white people, and not a speck of trash on the streets. It was like I had died and went to heaven… well, not my version of heaven at least (well, except the white guys). No, this was more like finding out that the only channel you get on your satellite is the PAX network. And you know, anything that gives Billy Ray Cyrus a chance at acting can’t be a good thing. So I was basically plucked from my comfort zone and thrust into a new environment. You’d figure “well at least you can get a chance to make new friends and hang out and still be a teen, right?” No. Wrong. Since my dad didn’t trust me around any boys at school (I don’t blame him) or any bad influences, I wasn’t allowed to: watch TV (unless it featured Della Reese); go on the Internet (unless it got through the parental controls); use the phone (unless the word “church” was mentioned more than once); oh and yeah, have a life basically. So my schedule went as follows: go to school, come home, do homework, eat dinner, and sleep. I had pretty much mastered how to be a retiree by age 15. Sure I found ways to get around all this, but my life basically sucked. I had a harder time making friends in school because I hadn’t come out of the closet yet. So knowing how to be myself was lost on me, or trapped in the closet (not an R. Kelly reference). I tried opening up to certain people but honestly my social skills were far and gone. The only people I was allowed to talk to were adults from church. To be honest, from sophomore year to basically senior year I was a loner. I sat at the front of the school, eating my lunch/doing homework, and watching everyone’s life flash before MY eyes. I didn’t know how to combat the situation and found solace with music and my imagination.

Now over the years I can say that my problems have somewhat improved. I’ve found a niche with certain friends, but it hasn’t completely gone away. I don’t like to victimize myself because I know I can be better than that. But it’s been a struggle…. Oh man has it been a struggle. The easy part is MAKING friends, but the hardest part is KEEPING friends. I’ve had bad experiences with family, exes, and even “friends”. And although I can admit to some of the wrongdoing on my end, it doesn’t make anything easier. I have a lot of trust issues and really the only person I consider close in my life is my friend Josh. He is the first person I turn to for anything (read: everything) and lately I’ve been feeling that I have relied upon him TOO much. It’s like that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie just goes on and on about her problems with Big to the girls, that they finally tell her to see someone else to help her deal. Well I tried that once. Back in LA I was seeing a regular therapist to help cope with these problems, but as I felt that I was opening up more and becoming vulnerable I stopped going. It wasn’t even about him, but I just felt that I couldn’t truly open myself up to be exposed in that manner. I’m scared of people seeing the darker side of myself and a lot of times I will put on a front to mask those feelings. Is it healthy? Not at all, and sometimes I go as far as running away from those problems so as to avoid it. That’s the reason why I’ve moved around a lot. I thought it was because I had been getting bored with life, but it turns out I was trying to get away from myself.

I’ve been in San Diego for a little more than two years. I first thought that the reasons for the big move were to get away from the chaos that was living in Los Angeles. I had a good job but felt I wanted more. I wanted to try something different and start fresh elsewhere. Two years later the only thing I’ve accomplished is feeling more alone than I ever have been. I’ve been a series of huge mistakes with friends and therefore burnt some bridges. I even began to get close with someone who I thought was a good friend. It turns out; he was very vocal about my personal life when I was not around. Naturally I was furious, but it seemed to be a mirror of myself and things I had done. Would I mend that friendship and start anew? No. Once the trust is gone in a relationship (for me, at least) then it’s forever gone. And now I’ve recently cut ties with two other friends for mistakes that were made. Did I sense the friendship drifting? Sure. But I held on because if there’s anything I’m more afraid of in life it’s being alone. But now that we’ve gone through this recent situation, I know that this may not be the healthiest relationship for me. Now there is just myself, and no one else around. This past weekend my roommates and I had a 4^th of July party at our house with over 70 people in attendance and still I felt like the only girl in the world *removes Rihanna wig*. Unfortunately, my anxiety kicked in and rather than mingle with the crowd and network myself I hid in my room for the entire length of the party. I don’t know what came over me, but I felt so alone and would have rather not been seen than to be viewed as a downer. Last time I checked, no one requested a Debbie Downer impersonator at the party. The entire weekend I honestly spent with no one but myself. Didn’t call, text, FB or contact anyone in any sort of way.

So you see, these skeletons in my closet are starting to come out for air. Firstly, I didn’t know skeletons required air but that’s beside the point. The real point I’m making with this blog is to bring to light a problem that I have been struggling with for a good part of my life. Am I happy with it? Of course not, it’s called depression for a reason DUH lol. But somewhere in my life I lost the spark in my heart. I know I need to allow life to happen, and let myself be a little more vulnerable. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life hiding – from others, and especially myself. This weekend made me realize that the battle is not over yet, and I will be looking into getting help. Being Latino we’re built with pride in our bones (and yet somehow I’m still weak, go figure) but a smart person knows when it’s time to extend his/her hand out and reach out. So whether you cared to read this, or cared to care, I know I will be ok. I lost control of the wheel years ago and need to figure out the best way to get back on track. Unfortunately, I am horrible at driving and even worse with directions so if you see me cruising in your neighbor’s lawn then just crack a quick smile knowing that I am on the right way…. Right before you call highway patrol.