Oops!... I Dated Again

I'm beginning to think that me and the word “dating” should never cross paths. It's become one of those words that I can't help but throw a side-eye to. Or a bitchy friend with whom you only give air kisses to at the party or see across the room and act as though you meant to stare down the person behind her. We've all been there. But if I had to count all my dating blunders on one hand I sure would have a hell of a lot of fingers. Octomom's got nothing on my octohands. (Sidenote: doesn't the name “Octomom” make it sound as though the trick has like 8 vaginas?). But as much as I feel like I've learned from my mistakes I have come to realize that you can't always escape certain catastrophes. Those guys that you think you only read about or see in the movies are really out there, and they're there to haunt your after-dreams. Well let's just trickle down the path of destruction and count down some of my best-worst (you decide) moments. Now this won't be in any particular order cause at my old age of 24 I can't, for the life of me, remember these things. Oh also, names have been changed too... not to protect the identities of the guys mentioned but rather I just can't fucking remember what their names were.

So back a few years ago I remember I had been chit-chatting with this guy on Myspace (yes it was THAT long ago). As well all know, Myspace pics are about as accurate as someone's age on a Driver License. I mean it's nothing that a box of Loreal hair dye and some strategically-placed camera shots can't fix. Nothing says “I'm relevant” like a duck-faced kiss in front of the place where you shit. But I digress. So this guy.... let's call him Guy (I'm not even going to try) decided to plan for us to meet. I won't lie, I was somewhat interested. Myspace had him pegged as a fresh-faced cute guy with an average build, nice smile, and an interesting personality. By the time this paragraph is over the only correct term in that sentence will be “guy”. So we finally set aside a time to hang out and again I was looking forward to it. Now the first oof moment was that he lived in San Fernando Valley (enough said) while I lived in Orange. Yeah it was a bit of a drive but I was young and well whatever... let's continue. So I get to his place and out comes this mass of a person towards my car. At first I thought I was in for a hit-and-run but to my chagrin it was the guy. I totally had a Smokey from Friday moment: “talking about how she looked like Janet Jackson. More like Freddy Jackson”. I wish I had carried a picture of the guy when I met up with him so that I could keep holding it up and putting it back down to make sure I had the right person. Well we drove around and since nothing had been set in stone I asked him if he wanted to grab a bite to eat to which he replied “No not really”. Hmmmkay... well how about something to drink (and by this time the only legal thing I could consume was a Mt. Dew). Again “No not really”. Okay well where's a good place to go? “Hmmm I dunno”. WTF? Really? Cause you know I frequent SFV sooo much that I should know where anything is. I was really wishing I had brought my copy of Frommer's: San Fernando Valley. Not to browse through, but so I could smack it upside this idiot's head. We finally agreed to check out Tower Records and the only thing I walked away with was a headache from this guy getting up in my space (nigga you ain't my dentist so back off) and Britney Spears' Greatest Hits CD so not all was lost! So our final stop was at this park near his house (don't get any ideas) where we just sat and talked... or rather he talked. Talked about how he used to be so popular and had all these friends and now he just prefers to be by himself. Seriously now? Being a loser is a choice all of a sudden? Well better for the rest of us I guess. The most hilarious part though was when I was soooo engaged in the conversation that it lulled me to sleep and I knocked out for a few minutes without him even realizing. If that's not a signal to leave then I don't know what is. I dropped him off like a block away from his house and sped the fuck off. Something also told me it wasn't his first time seeing skidmarks.

Now this next guy was a real trip. Literally. I lived in South OC and he in Palmdale. Apparently I LOVED driving to ghost towns. Well this gem we'll call Jem not for his fabulosity (meter read: none) but for the fact that he wore as much makeup as her. I met this character in a Yahoo! Chat room (yes it was THAT long ago too) and he seemed pretty cool. (Sidenote: only one of those words feels right). Well for some weird reason I decided to take a late night trip up to go visit him (we all know how that ends). I'll admit, the guy was attractive but if he screamed “queen” any more then I would have legally become deaf. Oh well. A business deal is a business deal and I wanted to cash out. So word of advice if you're planning on setting the mood up for a guy: (a) don't start talking to him about some other guy who broke your heart and start crying and (b) don't cuss your mom out because you're with a guy and tell her to “get the fuck out of your face”. I mean really, he had me at “bitch”. Well that wasn't the worst of the whole mess. So one weekend while my dad was out of town I decided to invite him to stay at my place. Yeah, I drove him back and forth. Those are four hours I'll never get back. So some point during the stay he decides to invite some friend over who he said he known for some time. Last time I remember, I never uttered the phrase “Mi casa es su casa”... particularly because he didn't speak Spanish. Now I'm not an idiot. I can see when something else was going on. I was not the one to pull the wool over. The guy was pretty cute and things started to get a little interesting between him and I and of course Jem had to cockblock. Hey, mi hormones es su hormones girl. The funny part was when the guy asked if he could take her for the night and bring her back tomorrow. Apparently a simple business transaction turned into a pimp-ho transaction? Since I didn't have my fur coat on, I decided to bitch-smack that idea and said “No”. Of course I finally had to give in when other weekend we decided to go down to SD and hang with some friends. Well apparently the guy lived in SD so how fucking convenient. Tell me that on our way down Jem doesn't tell me that she wants to hang out with her Latin Lover. Ugh whatever. Needless to say I found out later that they un-blocked that cock. Oh and btw that same weekend I found out that she wasn't a natural beauty. I walked in on her in the bathroom putting on her face (which btw is where M.A.C. apparently goes to die) and yeah “dude looks like a lady” never sounded so appropriate. Well the end for this debacle came when I was hanging out with cousins and getting drunk and catching up (btw this was also my coming-out weekend – drinks for all!). Somehow little Miss 80's found her way in WeHo and needed a ride back. Since I obviously couldn't we got into a huge argument and she decided to tell me off. Whatever. Not sure how she found her way back but I hope that's two hours she'll never get back either.

So now let's forward this a couple of years. Sorry, without a Delorean handy this is as fast as we can go. I figured it would be a good idea to take a break and let the losers filter themselves out of my space. So when I finally did decide to go out again it would be different... right? Well there's a reason why I'm writing this blog. So the next loser on the list we will call Alejandro... but let's say his name is ABBA-inspired. So I met this guy on Facebook (he hit me up) and he was actually pretty cute. But then again so was the first guy so I wasn't about to get my hopes up. So after a few days of talking we decided to hang out. I drove over to his place to pick him up and he asked me to park a little further down from his place. WTF? Did he hear that I was a cheap whore? This did not bode well. Well he finally came to the car and yes was still cute. But wow chunty much? Now I like my men like I like my coffee... hot, brown, and with a good mix of white in them too LOL. I mean he did speak English-ish... but the conversation was as intellectual as a Lindsay Lohan tweet. So two dragged hours later we were still in the same parked spot a block down from his place. I was beginning to think I was catching him in his best light. This could be a hit or mess... that was a type-o but I'm sticking with it. So one of our first “outings” we decided to go out clubbing. What a romantic. Nothing gets my heart beating like barely being able to hear a guy while trying to work out some moves in a room of sweaty men. Then again, it's everything I could ask for! Well unfortunately another victim was witness to this mess. I have never rolled my eyes more in a single night (I'm having my people look into that) but this guy must have had the shortest attention span imaginable. Apparently he lived by the idea that you can accomplish a lot in 2 minutes (again this did not bode well). I mean a song would play, and you know when you hear a really good song and just as your ass is about to drop you get your arm yanked off the dance stage? Bitch this isn't dance for your life and kill me now. I was working my twerk! Seriously, every 2 minutes we would switch dance floors, and Circus has all but three?! I asked him if the music bothered him and he said “No I love the music”. Uh huh. And to which asylum am I taking you later? Well at least if I wanted to create a new music playlist I was able to go off of the snippets of the 20 songs I heard in a half hour. And no this doesn't end there. The NEXT day he invited me to go to his favorite club: Tempo (I see you rolling your eyes so let's synchronize). Now for those of you who are not familiar with this establishment it's an IHOP... International House of Paisas. I mean with all the cowboy hats, snake boots, and big buckles I swore I was at a family reunion... well the after-hours version anyway. As soon as I walked in there I turned into Conan O'Brien: tall, awkward, and WHITE. Any brown I had in me left itself at coat check. And I found out another one of my talents: dancing like a rag doll. I have NOOOOOO rhythm for dancing “Spanish” music. They say you should follow the beat of the music but what the hell am I supposed to do when I can't even understand half the words? The mess became me that night. Now I have always wanted my “suitors” to meet my friends but after this experience I may re-think that. Apparently when this clown met my friend H. Sue he became uhhh let's say “infatuated”. To the point where topics of conversation would be about my friend. Again nothing turns a guy on more than having to dig into his friend's personal life. This guy was wacko. Evidence was readily available. Remember that myspace game? Well hear it played a crucial role. I saw that he had placed my friend on his top 8 (before even me). And yes I know that's a childish thing to bring up but wtf am I supposed to think when you are constantly asked “So how is H. Sue?”, “Tell me more about H. Sue”. Needless to say that relationship did not work out and I dropped that guy lower than his English grade. F indeed... F that. “Don't call my name, don't call my name Alejandro”... no really. Don't call me ever again FERNANDO!

Well that concludes this chapter of my dating tales... or wales. Believe me there are many more but seeing as how this is pretty long in itself I'll have to break it up. So yeah I don't exactly have the best of luck but it's all good. I have learned my lessons and sometimes you just gotta laugh at life... or at these guys. Yeah I like that better. Hope you enjoyed the read.

Today's post has been brought to you by the letters “BS” because Britney sure did inspire this post and well those two letters pretty much sum up this experience. Let's see what life has in store.... :-)

Life is Like a Box of Alanis Morissette Songs... So Thank U India

Well... well... well who do we have here? I see it's been a while since our last encounter. You look good... well fantastic actually. Oh and to the reader, sorry I was having a moment with myself. You know how these things go. Well let's just pretend you do and move on for the sake of the blog world. BTW this blog will be in simple format since I don't have internet at home (le sigh) so for the time being just use your imagination to create links to random shit.

HIYEE! Yes it's me again and it's been ages since I've blogged (correction: three months). So much has gone on and I don't know where to begin. I'll give you the cliff notes version of my tale (and if you're really lucky, maybe the OTHER tail :-p). Well I finally parted ways with the hotel (correction: motel.... correction: dump) and at a perfect time. I think it's usually a pretty good sign that once foreigners start to take over the establishment it's time to get out before you blink and wind up on the black market. And as the saying goes, “once you go black you can't go back”.... literally. Besides, it's hard to work with people to whom you have to explain things repeatedly. The guests are bad enough, I don't need that shit behind the desk too. But I do wish them the best... and this is probably the first time that the words “best” and “Good Nite Inn” will be in the same context. Unless you hear the phrase “best place to get murdered” then that sounds about right too. But now I'm working for a shoe distributing company as their Bookkeeper so I'm right back to my accounting roots. I think my P&L will look pretty good this year.

But I started at the Healthy Feet Store (note: not an actual store) and I'm loving it so far. I finally get to call the shots, organize a department how I please and basically answer to only one bitch: ME! But first things first, their A/P person before me (and I'll use that term loosely) was a mess. I mean seriously, my nephews are more organized than she apparently was. I mean you would think that a filing cabinet would be put alphabetically... NOPE. Okay well about even in the sequential letters the files would be alphabetical right? NOPE. I haven't shaken my head or grumbled to myself more than in the first month. And another thing, tell me that every time I opened a new drawer I didn't find some new snack item or dried good? I was beginning to think that this bitch was either the biggest heffer in SD or homeless. They finally packed it all up and mailed it off to her. It was as though we were sending rations to troops in Iraq or some shit. And don't even get me started on the box full of empty Coke cans behind my chair. This bitch WAS homeless. And from our fun conversations over the phone she made it known to me that she got sick a lot and her son did too. I tried my best to act surprised but I ran out of tokens. I'm going to also assume that her tape player skipped on the rhyme “a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down” and just played “a spoonful of sugar go down”. She even came in after three failed attempts (and and don't worry she also ran down the list of why she had to cancel our meetings; unexpected appt at her kid's school, court appearance – again not surprised – and blah blah blah). When she finally did come in I basically wanted her there as short of time as possible. In going through some things she couldn't even remember clearly how to do things. I guess after two years of working there and only being gone three weeks that's bound to happen... well for her at least. But that was over and I finally came to the conclusion: she's not homeless... she's a WHOLE MESS.

So another fortunate thing that's changed are my pants sizes. Yes you heard right, I lost my baby phat. Kimora and I aren't speaking so it was only inevitable. But no, I finally have found a great opportunity to lose weight... working in the middle of nowhere! Gotta love SD transportation. I mean I enjoy a good scenic route but watching empty plains and businesses gets a little overrated. I would really like to meet the person who decided it was a great idea to post the message on every bus that reads something about SD being one of the best transportation systems. I mean to where? Across the street? So now it takes me a good hour and a half to get to work... and the beauty is of course that the CLOSEST stop is still a half hour walk. My legs have never hated me more. I'm almost thinking of Heather Mills-ing myself but on a sidenote, my legs have never looked so fabulous! Too bad the season for hooker wear (btw this includes a lifetime supply of ripped fishnets, a homemade halter top, and Payless hooker heels sponsored by Lindsay Lohan) is over (or is it?) but I'm finally getting my beach body... only to have to cover it up again. I see how you're playing this one, Gawd. I'm watching you. But with this new body (better take notes Kirstie Alley) comes a lot of great attention (still there Kirstie?). I have been getting hit up a lot more than I'm used to. This would be the part of the blog where I link a montage of teen films from the '90s where the geek/freak turns into the hot chick (i.e. She's the One) but alas we shall rely on your memory... or you can just look some up.

Well I'm hoping to bring this blog thing back. I like sharing a bit of the crazy in my life with y'alls and since I'm still riding the bus you know there's bound to be many run-ins. So for now I bid you adieu and hope you continue to follow my tales.... or check me out @itskellychris on Twitter. Yes I'm a shameless self-promoter. What else do you think I've learned from years of Tyra Banks?

This blog has been brought to you by the letter “G” because the words “good” and “Good Nite Inn” don't seem to work out too well either.

I Feel it In My (Mexican) Bones

So first off I must say for someone who was supposed to post on a regular basis I am sucking quite well at it lol. I know I mean to write more often then every other week but sometimes it's hard to write about something at that exact moment. Needless to say, a lot has happened since my last post. The first thing is that I am pregnant. I was hoping the other bloggers wouldn't leak my secret but alas the secret broke.. just like my water will LOL. J/K I got my ovaries removed so luckily I won't be making that mistake...er... unmistake? (Smiles at all the mothers/mothers-to-be reading this). Now this brings to my first point. For those who know me, it is not a secret that I abhor children... Note that I said "abhor" and not "adore". BIG difference. Something about little monsters running around touching every little thing does not exactly bring a smile to my cold heart. Now of course there are exceptions. My nephews and nieces are exceptions... well... most. Even some are tolerable at best. And don't come at me with the thought that even I used to be a child at some point. I am trying my best to do away with that memory. I guess if you really think about it, it's not the kids I'm really rolling my eyes at but rather the parents behind the kids... and I literally mean behind because those parents are clearly not paying attention to them. Whenever I have guests checking in and their kids are running around in the lobby pulling out the brochures from the racks, jumping on the couches, trying to climb on the desk, there is every part of me that wants to distract the parents by saying "Oh look, it's Supernanny" (cause you know they are constantly looking out for that bitch) and then throwing a stapler at the child(s). Awww looks like lil' Timmy was ready for a nap after all! Now yesterday I was working with the new guy KC (I am working a nickname, trust me) and after a guest checked in with their annoying kids I blurted out "Man I am so glad I don't have kids" to which he made some comments and eventually said "Mexican women are so easy to get pregnant". Stop. Wait. Hold the phone. I cursed myself for leaving my chanklas at home but I had to probe his brain a little. I asked what his racist ass meant and he just said that they like having a lot of kids and stuff. Oooh girl you know this was going to get serious. So I flipped my hair back and looked right at him and said "First of all don't use the term 'Mexican' to describe a group because we are not ALL Mexican. Use 'Hispanic' or 'Latinos' instead. Secondly, those women are not 'easy' or 'easy to get pregnant'." I mean yes I knew what he meant but he needed to be set straight. You can't just throw around ignorance like the flu. Sorry I don't have a pill for that sickness. So after I explained that to him he then made another comment that was just as heartwarming... or heart-boiling and I just told him to stop. I can only handle so much of this kid. It's always funny how the people who can never shut up and spend so much time talking never have much of anything interesting to blurt out. Case in point. BTW isn't it ironic when kids are complaining about other kids? Oh my chirruns.

So that brings me to my next point. So I have worked at the Good Nite Inn for about a year and one month now. Before coming on, I had always dreamt of working in a hotel because I figured it was the closest thing to my past experience as Admin/Reception/Accounting that wouldn't require me sitting on my ass for 8 hours and becoming an ergonomic vegetable. Little did I know that I would be getting myself into. The first couple of months were rough because let's face it, this place is a MOtel not a HOtel... don't be fooled. Having an assortment of HO's does not a HOtel make. I mean I could list all the different experiences I have come across but I can do them piece by piece. But after a year of dealing with bad attitudes, hookers, crackheads, drugs, lack of concern from management for employees, a person has to hit a wall. Each of us front desk staffers puts in so much effort into our work and for what? No acknowledgement. No raise. Nothing. I just knew my time would be up as soon as my year came and here it was. I officially put in my notice last week and told the manager I would be leaving the end of this month. Sad to think I won't be sticking around much longer to help any more guests and develop more of my customer service skills. If you didn't note the sarcasm in that then you can just sign off and go back to watching TV. I mean I will miss certain aspects of the job. I mean working in a hotel can be a gratifying experience but it really depends on the hotel itself. If I were in a more upscale location I am sure I wouldn't be in this mess that I find myself in now. I do enjoy how my sassiness has been perfected over the past year. Just as soon as certain people are quick to whip out the race card I am also quick to whip out my "I-don't-give-a-fuck" card. It's kind of like a "Get out of Jail Free" card except I can't flip the other person off - what a shame! Like the other day this guy wanted to get a room late at night. I quoted him the price for the night and he said that it's usually lower. I told him that during the slower seasons yes but this is summer and plus we are down to three rooms. His remark was then "Well it's not my fault you guys are down to three rooms." This man was clearly becoming my favorite guest of the night. So he then told me that he would take the room but then talk to the manager in the morning about it. I think the producer missed the cue for the laugh track because I was the only one laughing. Ahhh I think we can all agree some moments can be improved with a laugh track (see Clip). Not to digress, I went throught the regular process of checking Mr. A. Hole in and then as I asked for payment I repeated the total to which he said "Wow you really are fucking robbing me". Well... you know cause I had my hand in his pocket and all. I then looked at him and said "You don't have to take the room"... and of course he was starting to make it seem as if I was refusing him a room (again, cause you know I didn't take his ID and went through the whole deal of assigning him a room and all). And then my immediate response was "Well we do have the right to refuse service to anyone" and then he said "So are you refusing my service?" and without skipping a beat I said "yes I am" and handed back his ID. So of course he asked for my name and the number for the manager. I don't know if this was the part when my customer service or my I-don't-give-a-fuck skills kicked in but I was like ok. Then as I handed him the info he said "You just lost your job". Again, the damn producer missed the cue. Really, what kind of show is this?! I guess this guy missed the table read when it was announced on page 5 that I had already put in my notice. The only thing that was lost during the course of this event was my ability to move my face.... well that and my lack of concern for this guy. But then again you can't lose something you never had right? Oh how I wish we will meet again. Now since my last post we also have had two new employees. Since they are fresh I will reserve my comments for another post. Although based on the first paragraph of this one, you know I will have a lot to say. Ugh good times. If you still can't read the sarcasm then why are you still reading?

Now I am trying to find out how to incorporate music reviews into my blog. I am always searching around for new music from my current fave artists or especially new artists. A couple of albums I would recommend (well if you're as gay as me that is) are Christina's "Bionic", Kylie's "Aphrodite", Kelis' "Flesh Tone" and Scissor Sisters' "Night Work. Dance music is a huge part of my library and it's mainly because I love music that moves you. Dance is just so free and liberating and whenever I am dancing at a club (or in the privacy of my room... remember, people in glass houses) I just feel as though I can forget everything else going in the world and escape to a world of strobe lights and glowsticks. And NO I am not on acid at the moment. I am at work after all :-p. But seriously I think I will dedicate my first tattoo to the thing that matters most to me: music. I have songs from just about every genre minus gospel cause well... it's not easy dropping it low to the words "my Gawd is an awesome Gawd". My last attempt looked something like THIS. Growing up it's always been a part of my life and I have certain songs that touch that special spot. And no I don't mean down there. I am still recovering from ovary-removal surgery (which btw involves a frying pan, two tablespoons of Crisco, and some toast). So if you are interested below are a couple of highlights from said albums that will make you wanna cut a rug... or a bitch. Same difference.
Bionic:
3. Woohoo
4. Elastic Love
17. My Girls
19. Monday Morning (off the Deluxe Version)

Aphrodite:
1. All the Lovers
2. Get Outta My Way
3. Put Your Hands Up (If You Feel Love)
9. Too Much
(Sorry could not find clips for the last two - sad)

Flesh Tone:
3. 4th of July (Fireworks)
6. Scream
7. Emancipate
8. Brave

Night Work:
1. Night Work
4. Any Which Way
5. Harder You Get
9. Skin Tight
10. Sex and Violence

I'll try to post another blog tomorrow. I apparently forgot I am at work and need to get stuff done. To quote Stephanie Tanner: "How Rude!" Tonight's blog was brought to you by the letter "U" for unemployment line which I am hoping to avoid. And tonight's sponsor was Abuelita Chocolate cause you know us Mexicans love our ethnic beverages.

They Tried to Check Into the Hotel and I Said No, No, No

So I'm sitting here watching TV Guide waiting for My Life on the D-List and they are running yet another rerun of their "Father Doesn't Know Best" show or some shit like that. Last time I checked Father's Day was like two days ago so I think it's about time to start finding another show to run every hour on the hour. Of course speaking of Father's Day, I can't help but think of my own situation. Now I actually didn't even realize the day had come until Saturday. Could do with the fact that I haven't spoken to my father in about 2 years. I don't know what he's up to nowadays but I am fine with that. We have had such a tumultuous relationship over the years and I am finally getting my peace. Not many people know the history we have so here is a brief summary... Back when I was 14 my nosey ex-stepwitch (aka stepmother) somehow snooped through my belongings during one of my visits to her and my dad's home. There she found a letter I had written to a boy I had been crushing on in high school (I had just completed my freshman year). Needless to say the gay was let out the closet and all hell had broken loose. The conversation we had was about as pretty as my dad's wife at that time so I knew I was in store for some trouble. So sadly I was plucked from my comfortable life in Baldwin Park and shipped out to the wonderful country known as "The OC". I mean talk about a culture shock. I went from a school that was 90% Latinos to a school that was 90% whites! It's like being at the mall at an Anchor Blue and finding a Banana Republic next door... total WTF moment. Of course I had the worst time fitting in but even more so found it extremely hard being myself. You see, my dad and his wife were Power Christians (Seventh-Day Adventists to be exact) and they must have been on a power trip cause those two musta been trippin if they thought I was going to conform to their ways. Now cue the countdown to my breakdown, or breakthrough... same difference. During this mess of 3 years I lived a pretty rough life. I was not allowed to watch TV (unless it as on Pax TV), talk on the phone, use the computer (unless for school work), or have any friends over. At least 3 of those were torture. How is a boy supposed to go through puberty without the fundamentals? Oy vay! I often wondered how I would make it through. And luckily for me, just like every conservative Christian group out there, the family broke once again. Isn't it always interesting that the people who preach about family values the most tend to stray away from their own message? It didn't take a magnifying glass to read through those lines. But even so... when they did separate and I moved in with my dad things were far from better. He still wanted to be in control and tell me what to do and I couldn't take it. After the 2nd time he and I lived together I decided that was it. I had already officially come out to him (February 8th 2004 is my anniversary) and there was no backing down... backing up maybe but that's my business ;-). So I called him one day randomly and laid into him that I this is who I am. I am a gay man. And if he cannot accept that part of my life then we have no reason to talk. I refuse to be put back in the closet for the sake of one person. I don't live my life for him, or anyone else but myself. After several failed attempts at reviving our relationship it dawned on me two years ago that I was dealing with an unchanged person. At 47 years old at the time he had already gone through 3 marriages, 3 divorces, 3 kids (one who we didn't even know about until our trip to El Salvador in 2001) and 3 kids who to this day refuse to speak to him (this now includes my half sister Jenny who is not his daughter but grew up with him). I mean good lawd, if this man were to play Roulette I would venture to guess odd numbers would NOT be in his favor. But believe me, it has been a hard journey for myself too. In all this time I have tried learning more and more about myself and accepting my sexuality as well. I feel as though it's improving but I have a long way to go, I know that for sure. But my whole family knows, and everyone has been so lovingly accepting of it and I couldn't ask for anything more. I have learned to let go of that past and forgiven him for all that I went through. I no longer "hate" him for the person he is, because I know is the person he has chosen to be and for better or worse I have to accept that lifestyle choice too. Will I ever hear from him again? Only time will tell but let's just say it's not exactly one of my top priorities. Viva La Gay! :-)

Okay so now getting on to the good stuff. So the reason why I chose to do a blog is because I always run into interesting and hilarious situations at work... or rather hilarious and interesting people at work. Before I started work at the Good Nite Inn I actually had (if you can believe this) a heart. I am not saying I was a saint because believe me I am far from that (excuse me while I tend to my side) but I did see things through a different scope. Now after one year it ceases to amaze me how incredibly stupid some people can be. They say there is no such thing as a stupid question... uhhh apparently they haven't met our guests. Not a day goes by that someone enters the running to be America's Next Top Buffoon. Sorry, no Covergirl contract for you! I could list all the different situations but I think I'll just post as they come along - at least until my departure from the hotel (synchronizes watch to countdown). For instance, when someone makes a reservation under a particular person's name, it amazes me that people have a hard time understanding that only THAT person can check-into the reservation. I don't care if you're the dad, mother, son-in-law, wife, or CAT of the guest... just like an exclusive party if yo' name ain't on the list you ain't gettin in *snap*! Strangely enough this has been happening a lot more frequently and man it's a pain in the ass. Cause then you have to explain to the guest why you can't check them in, and even when you explain to them what they need to do to be able to check in they still get up in your face. Case in point... the other day this old broad came in to check in. Of COURSE it was under her husband's name so I knew I would be in for a treat. It was already late at night so you know my nerves were more worked than Britney's weave. So I explained to her really calmly that her name was not on the reservation and she needed to call Hotwire and have them add her name on it. Simple. Right? Wrong. Then this a-hole comes up and apparently thought that I was talking to him to so he took it upon himself to yell at me and say that I am not being helpful and that I need to let her in. So right about this time my blood had not boiled yet so I remained calm still and repeated myself to him so that he could get on board. Now one thing (out of many things) I don't like is being interrupted. If you look closely you can sometimes see my eye twitching when someone does because you know it's only a matter of time before my wig flies off. So of course the idiot did not understand my explanation... I don't know how to translate to douche so he was out of luck. And freetranslation.com does not carry that format so I was out of luck. So again I tried explaining to him very slowly what they needed to do and as I am doing so this fucker decides to interrupt me again and tell me what I need to do. Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see your Good Nite Inn bowling shirt so maybe that's why I wasn't following you... ASS. And I snapped! I interrupted HIM and told him "Sir! Please stop talking so that I could explain to you once again". They both looked at me as though I just threatened to break a table on their faces. Well I wasn't to that point JUST yet but I was close. I was just laughing inside at how in this whole argument I am telling them EXACTLY what they need to do and they somehow they accused me of not helping. Luckily the lobby doors were locked and this was all done at the night window so I could easily sashay away with grace and dignity... cause you know I am always thinking WWTD (What Would Tyra Do?). Certainly not THIS. And then, because really not enough people were involved in this situation, the daughter comes up and decides to take a turn at wacking me. Her approach was this: "Let me talk to you like a human being so that you could understand what we are saying". Yes she went there. So since I must have left my switch on "Robot", I took a deep breath and responded back "Well first of all I AM human and I do understand what you all are saying. So let me say this one more time so that you can understand me"... Yes I went there. Chris had officially left the building in his place was LaKelly who is not going to bat a lash for this shit. I was pretty much done and over with this crap and I had only been on shift for a half hour. Ugh. I left them to their own device and sure enough the husband calls me. I regretted not recording my previous statements so that I could play it for him rather than repeat myself for the millionth time. Surprisingly he seemed to completely get what I was saying. So maybe that was it. I should have been talking to these people through a phone so that they could understand me. Robo-Chris is no good through a prison visitor-glass window like.. window (don't judge me). So crisis was finally averted and thankfully this wouldn't be the night I would be kicking an old lady to the curb. Maybe next time but the lesson to be learned is not that if you make a reservation you should put it in the name of the actual individual checking in. No, the real lesson should be learned that if someone makes a reservation online for someone else, they should read the fine print that says to warn them about checking in with Chris. The customer is always right? Yeah the jury is still out on that verdict. Sidenote, maybe I am a robot since apparently I seem to model myself after THIS GUY.

End of the World Party... So BYOM (Bring Your Own Microwave)

So last night (or early earlier this morning around 1 am) I was going to post a new blog but OMG I had the biggest headache in a while. Not sure where it came from but it struck hard. I couldn't even keep my eyes open during the bus ride home it was that bad. Luckily when I got home and laid down the pain went away so *phew* cause last thing I need to do is stick a fork in my head lol. The only thing I will mention about yesterday is that the earthquake was no big deal to me. If you have lived in California long enough it's like "meh" to you. I was busy writing notes about something and didn't even flinch. Oddly enough the only sound that kept bothering me last night was that of two cats apparently getting it on. At first I had no idea what to make of it and I first thought it was two Asian people talking outside (LMAO I keed... love my Asians haha). But honestly compared to the earthquake that really bothered me. I mentally threw my hands up and thought "Ok this is it. Apparently EVERYONE and their cats is getting some at the hotel but ME". Something ain't right about this. And on a final note about last night, if I hear anyone else say "2012" I swear I will find a way to have them exiled and forced to watch the movie "2012" over and over.
So now today started off pretty well. Was supposed to have a movie date with Iris which unfortunately didn't go through. We need to sync our calendars. First I forget, then she forgets. At this rate we may as well plan to watch SATC 3 lol. Not to mention this week I am working an extra crazy night shift since our manager is out of town and the new Ass Manager (no not a typo) will be taking over in her place. Not to get into it so much, but I hope he can handle it. I mean after a month of being there and being trained there should be no reason why he can't (cut scene to him hiding in a corner in the office while covering his ears). I mean I personally think he needs more training in the front desk area if they insist on having him cover some shifts. I mean the work is not that hard to remember. But I guess coming from a 5-star hotel it takes a lot to come down from that cloud so excuse me.
So sometime in the afternoon I get text from my mother asking if I made the deposit to her bank to pay my aunt back for my car (story is too complicated to get into so just nod and pretend you follow). As soon as I finished my sighing I felt it was pretty important to get my ass there since her texts were coming in like clockwork. Sidenote, whoever introduced her to texting should be fired. I don't need to have my mother knowing what "lol" means. I am almost worried about getting a friend request from her on Facebook. So while thinking of killing two birds with one stone I figured if I am going to walk to the bank I may as well walk an extra 2 miles so I prepared to finally go on my regular route after I was done. First off, I will say that I currently don't have a bank account for personal reasons. I hate dealing with banks and plus Wal-Mart only charges $3 so I figure that's one less burger I will be able to afford. See? I'm all about the positive lol. So I get in line waiting to deposit the cash and when I finally get to the window the teller tells me that I was in the wrong line and it's only business transactions. Uhhh I guess I should have realized that the fancier velvet rope on the other side was really for regular customers. I mean damn can they get a sign or something to let us "regular" people know? I mean I guess I could have explained that the money was to pay my aunt back for my car that she took back and paid off the bank to pay it off. So teeeeeecchhhhnically it is a business transaction. So don't judge a book by its deposit slip, bitch. So I make my way over to the other line and realize that I will have to also get a receipt for the next 15 minutes of my life that will be wasted. So after finally making my way to the window the next teller asks "So how can I help you today?" to which I obviously respond that I am making a deposit to my mother's account. So then she starts asking me which bank I bank with to which I say none. Then she proceeds to ask "well how do you cash your checks?" to which I say "uhhh different places". So that was her cue to start trying to get me interested in getting an account (little did she know I had one not too long ago). She even went as far as getting a nearby manager to try to talk me into one. That sneaky bitch! First of all, if you are going to try and sell me you may want to stand up for at least a quick minute not sit on your chair the whole time. Secondly, since when did making a deposit turn into an interrogation scene? I obviously need to come better prepared next time so that when i say I have no account I won't feel like I'm on an episode of Maury. This exchange we were going through was obviously annoying me so I just interrupted them both and just said "I'm just here to make a deposit, okay?" That shut them up. (Note to self: apparently fine print comes in verbal language too!). So the next time I am asked "How can I help you today?" my response should either be a quick shake of the head or I should pretend to speak an opposite language lol. (Note to self: youtube videos on Portuguese translations).
So after leaving Officer Teller I finally was able to make my way on my long walking route. I must say the weather was extremely gorgeous after the last couple of cloudy days. Summer is finally here and so is the one thing i love about summer: HOT, SHIRTLESS MEN! You know it's serious when I use ALL CAPS. Not sure why I needed to "all cap" ALL CAPS but I digress. Now for those who know me well enough know that I can NOT stand flip flops. Something about the sound they make really bugs me. Plus I also feel that it's really more beach attire. The same goes for anyone wearing board shorts in a residential. Unless your backyard has a tunnel that leads to any open waters I really don't think it's necessary. We all know you want that "yeah, I surf" look but let's take it somewhere else. My only exception to these rules is when the guy is shirtless and has an amazing body. I almost speechless every time I see that. Funny enough so was this one guy that I noticed checking out some dude across the street. The spectator apparently forgot that he was walking his dog who seemed to keep pulling on his leash as his owner was trying to find his jaw. I guess even the dog was over it. I think I even noticed it rolling its eyes. Sounds like my kind of dog! But I can't blame the guy. The dude was seriously hot. I almost wanted to throw my judgements on the neighbor's lawn, throw a bucket of sand at the guy, and let him keep thinking he was at the beach. More cowbell? I think more SAND! Damn now I was getting hungry for some chicken.... I'll wait for you to catch up LOL.
Two miles and two sore legs later I rested up a bit at home before I went to check out the grocery store down the street. I happened to come across the new video for Katy Perry's "California Gurls" and was amazed. I never wanted to hug my game of Candyland while holding a giant lolly more so than that moment. Damn this can't be good for my hunger. About 4 minutes later I felt like my body was on a sugar crash. I almost forgot i was getting hungry. So an hour later (lol) I finally got up to make my way to the grocery store. Now I always see this place, Pancho Villa, and figured it can't really be that different than Food 4 Less. Besides, you try buying Horchata at Vons without getting an eyebrow raise from the local paletero. So I went in and realized WOW, this place looks a lot smaller. It reminded me of that scene in Loaded Weapon (not to be confused with the Oscar-nominated Lethal Weapon... *ahem*) when Emilio Estevez's character has a tiny ass trailer that opened up into a surprisingly elegant mansion hahaha. So here I was on a mission to get some sandwich materials and some frozen foods when I realized they didn't have any!!! I made like three trips back and forth searching for the name "Tyson" but came up with nothing. I guess I can't expect much from a place that apparently has a taco shop built inside. I mean real Latinos don't believe in frozen foods. The freezer in your fridge is made ONLY for ice and leftover wedding or quinceñera cakes. How could I forget? Oh. Yeah. That's right. I said "real" Latinos. So after making my way through the cash register I made my 4-block walk of shame while only carrying some bread, turkey, cheese, and hot dogs. And yeah it wasn't until I got to checkout that I realized I forgot to get hot dog buns. I think I was honestly too embarrassed to walk back and face those "ethnic food" aisles again. Ahhh Vons how I missed thee. Let me count the coupon savings. So that was pretty much my day. Hope you all enjoyed your Tubular Tuesdays!

This post was sponsored by Tyson Foods, Inc. and brought to you by the letter "S" for Wells Fargo as in "Wells Fargo you can Suck it!". You live you learn.

Karma Is a Bitch and She is After Your Alternator

Not sure if I need an introduction for my first blog post. Ummmm how about "Welcome to my Blog. I'm a pirate"... for those of you who know where that is from I say kudos. You may pat yourself on the back now. Well annnnnyyyyyywho... here goes. So this morning I wake up and find a man laying next to me. Not sure what to do since he is still asleep so I just doze right back. For any of you pervs who want the details, it was my coworker. My STRAIGHT coworker. My STRAIGHT, MARRIED coworker. My STRAIGHT, MARRIED, FATHER OF ONE coworker. Need I go on? Well needless to say we both finally get up and fix ourselves a cup of "French press coffee". Never heard of it before but apparently it's all the craze. And how! It was definitely a great cup to start my day and what better way to French it up than to add French Vanilla creamer. I almost felt as though I needed to add some French Toast or French Fries to complete the trifecta. So because I entered the straight world, Eddie felt as though I should butch myself up a bit more (last night we enjoyed an evening of action and beers... Yum! *burp*). So we got into watching the USA vs. England soccer match for a bit (and today I also learned that the World Cup happens every 4 years. Who knew? Well.... apparently everyone but ME :-P). Now I must admit, for someone who has the coordination of a paraplegic camel I never bothered to watch sports of any kind. I mean even during the Super Bowl I stay for the commercials and the possibility of a flashed titty... even if it's someone from The Who lol. But in watching the sports I found myself curiously interested in the game. Not sure if it was the animation in the announcer's voice, or the hot men running around, or the quick glimpses of David Beckham watching from the sidelines (or even all three) but I was HOOKED! I only wish I had seen it all the way through but Eddie was ready for an excursion. After doing some window shopping (or rather fish tank glass shopping) we decided our time was over. So he dropped me off at home and now I had to make plans for my 2nd date of the day. Could anything top a visit to the fish store? I didn't think so but apparently I would be in for a treat.
So now I go home and find out some amazing news... my roomie is pregnant! Not sure what that meant for me. I mean I am still working on my midwife license after all so yikes! So by this time I make my awkward escape to my room (never quite sure how to end a conversation with someone you live with lol) and rest up before I get ready for my afternoon shift with El Mike (I call him that since Mike is the Black in him and El is the Latino he wishes were in him LOL *waves at Mike*). So upon my pickup time we make our rounds to the grand stop that is known as Wal-Mart. Thank the thrifty gods that they cash checks for only $3! Calculating 1.5% on a bi-weekly basis is too much... a straight....err... forward $3 is all I can handle since I'm not great with my money lol. So shortly after that we check some stuff out and head on over to Miss Dion's *clonk* to figure out what to do. We finaly decide to head to Olive Garden cause we is classy like that. No better way to spend the afternoon than to bullshit about racists, coworkers, and "endless breadsticks". Ahhh I wanna kiss the creator of double entendres (please don't correct me Kathy Griffin). So like every good department store sale, all good things come to an end. Now it was time to prepare myself for the dreaded *pauses for multiple eye rolls* night shift. You'd think I would be used to it but seriously what gives? Hotels should not be 24 hours. You get what you need in the daytime and that's that. I mean most of the time no one bugs me between 1-6 am ANYways so why am I even there? You could put a cardboard cutout of myself and no one would know the difference. I mean I give the same stone-cold face either way hahaha. So as I get on Eddie and the newbie start telling me about some ghetto ass Chicana who was beating her son right in the lobby just for messing with the brochures. I mean damn, can't someone read up about Dining Cruises and Boat Rentals in peace? Now personally I don't condone beating of any kind even the "shit out of" sort. And ESPECIALLY not in public. I mean poor kid but also poor mom. You know that growing up she didn't meet a chankla that didn't properly introduce itself to her face. And she was fat? LOL jk well not really... she was. This lady had nothing going for her. Even the wet look her "blonde" hair was going for didn't look right. Well as it turns out, later that evening the lady comes down to warm up her McD's (see, told ya) and proceeds to tell me about her adventures in TJ and how her car broke down on the way back up (sidenote, is it not ironic that the vehicle was an Excursion?? LOL mean talk about getting off on the wrong foot....pedal). Well good luck to her and her problems. Not the car, but that hair! As for me, the night shift remains more quiet than normal. At least I brought my laptop to comfort my ears. Let's see if I can make it these next 4 hours cause I am ready to have face meet pillow. Well good night kiddies and I hope you enjoyed my first blog. I know I rambled on a bit but if you know me well enough you know I do that a lot lol... I'll try to keep it to a 400-word max next time. Ahhh who am i kidding? With all that goes on War and Peace won't have anything on me hahaha.

Thanks again for reading! This blog was sponsored by Kraft Foods and brought to you by the letter "C"... C.U.N.T (C U Next Time!)