We're Just Ordinary People.... Except These Folks

First off, I’m just going to say that I miss my laptop. We had some good times, some bad times, and a lot of private time. I’ll leave it at that for your sake. But the one thing I miss is writing. So much has gone on in just the past few months. So much to share, so little RAM. You know, the one constant I love about life is that you always run into new people throughout your existence. Whether it’s a onetime thing (not involving a night stand), or someone you come across every so often, there’s always something to be said about those individuals. And since you know I LOVE finding inspiration to blog, I dedicate this particular one to a few select individuals for whom I had the pleasure (in terms of having something to write about) of meeting. Look, I know I post a lot about being positive and looking at the brighter things in life. So you might sit there and think “well that seems a little contradictory to the messages you’re spewing”. Not exactly so, because I am POSITIVE that these people are a hot mess and my life has shined brighter now that I’ve created some distance. See? My glass is still half full…. So someone needs to refill my vodka thanks.

Once again I moved to a new residence. I think this one might be a record as I was only at the previous one for about 3-4 months or so. Sure, the first month everything seemed great. I moved in with these two older guys, 45 and 55 years old (not a couple), whom I had met off of Craigslist after I had posted an ad. Yeah, there’s absolutely nothing about that last sentence that could raise some flags. I guess part of me felt a little desperate since my search had been going miserably. So it was either I find a new place quickly or stay at my apt and live off top ramen for a month. Not sure if I can do that without possibly turning Asian by the next month. I justified the move with it being in a nicer, quieter area. It was truly a hard thing saying goodbye to the homeless who doubled as my neighbors. Now who was going to wake me up in the middle of the night with their ramblings and bum fights? I guess I could hire a few guys, but it just wouldn’t be the same. But I felt the new place was going to be a great improvement. As I said, it was in a nicer, quieter area; the guy had a washer and dryer set; it had a nice view of the canyon (because there is no selling point greater than staring out into a field of nothing); and of course the Jacuzzi. I don’t know if part of me was expecting to create my own “Real World” hot tub experience (not with the roomies) but it seemed different enough to say yes. Unfortunately the only thing “real” about the Jacuzzi was that it was “real” bad timing since I moved in during summer so there wasn’t really any need for it really. So a little about these guys… they were older, hardly ever went out, were gay, and boy did they love pot. And I mean they LOVED pot. They smoked literally every single day, at least a few hits a night. Now don’t get me wrong – I, myself, have dabbled in Mother Nature’s best and find it can be relaxing. But I certainly don’t need to hit it up every single day, and not to the point that they did. What could two old grumps possibly need to chill from? Don’t worry, in 5 years you can take advantage of the early bird specials. Or are you stressing over your retirement fund? It certainly wasn’t about keeping up a nice home cause in the 3-4 months I was there, I saw them clean a total of two times – once because they were throwing a 4^th of July party, and the second because company was coming over. I hope someone tells them that bugs don’t clean up after themselves, and they didn’t either. I remember one time I got scolded because I didn’t wash some dishes that were left in the sink (which were NOT mine). I really need to remember to print copies of craigslist ads because I was wondering if “houseboy” was listed under the roommate description. Well at least I could finally put that maid costume to use. So naturally because they were older, it was only a matter of time before the creepy factor set in. I remember whenever I would head out, the oldest one would ask where was I headed, with whom am I going out, is it someone I’m dating, and if I’m planning on brining anyone home. I don’t know about you all readers, but I moved out of my parent’s home a long ass time ago. So my days of reporting to my elders were about as gone as their chances of picking up a broom. Maybe I should have made something up that way he could sleep better at night, although I’m sure a warm glass of milk would do the job at his age. I later discovered (translation: he confessed) during an argument that he had been going in my room when I wasn’t home. To do what, I don’t know and frankly I don’t know if I wanted to find out. I guess I should have suspected something because there were always dog hairs in the room, and he was pretty hairy. I’m sorry but between him, the other guy, and the dog…. I was only fond of one other bitch than myself. So the final cherry to this bloody Sunday was an accusation of stealing lotion. Yeah… you heard that right: LOTION. I don’t know what was more ridiculous, the fact that I was being accused of something that at most cost $6 or the fact that I stood there long enough to hear about all this. Maybe it was me, who knows (spoiler alert: it wasn’t), but considering he had been going in my room the last thing I wanted to supply this guy with was lotion.

Okay. So because I’m at work and because it’s fresh in my mind let me introduce you to a new character I’ve come across in this sitcom called my life. No, I wouldn’t dream of having such a simple title. As the saying goes “Go Big or Go Home”, and no THAT’S not the title either. I’ll get back to that, as I am going on a tangent. A few months ago my company received the worst news possible. Frankly, it’s the worse news a gay person could hear: my incredibly hot coworker was leaving us. Now would have been the time to change religions and seek out God because that is all kinds of NOT RIGHT. I mean I guess it had something to do with him graduating from law school and blah blah blah. Psshhh… we all know he’s only good for one thing: being hot. So unless there’s a new form of law that requires lawyers to remain shirtless, I’m hardly interested. So as these things go, I can only wait in anticipation to see who would soon replace him. I mean, those are some pretty big shoes to fill. And we all know what they say about big shoes: no chance in hell anyone is going to better him. And sure enough I was right. After retiring from her apparent stint as “faces of meth”, the new coworker was found. Now don’t get me wrong I like to give people chances, but as an employee and a team person I have my own expectations. This chick has exceeded not a one. And since I’m Mr. “Not the One” it was only a matter of time before I would find a reason to blog about her. Seriously, I could write a whole book on her regarding what she wears, what she says, how she acts, her incompetence… well you get the idea. No? Okay, her laugh, her open obsession with junk food, and so on. No one should be wearing hooker heels to work, no one should be acting as though they’re doing their job right when I find mistake after mistake, and no one should be allowed to bring up random topics during lunch meetings such as death and serial killers. The next time I see any of this going on I swear I will chuck a pop tart at her face. Thankfully since that is ALL she eats all day, I’ll have an unlimited supply. I mean the other day during our weekly office lunch meeting, we were all getting ready to eat when she noticed they didn’t give her ranch dressing with her meal. Not only did she throw a fit and storm off, thereby making a tool of herself, but she also simultaneously made lunch much more enjoyable since she didn’t join us. I mean for crying out loud, the food is FREE to us. And between you and me, homegurl could stand to back off the ranch. I’ve seen fresher faces in a retirement home. I don’t know whose bright idea was it to hire her but they need to spend some time in the corner re-thinking this one. Thankfully she works in the warehouse shipping area, because the first moment where I catch her sleeping I’m hauling her ass in a box and shipping her to Canada. Consider it payback for giving us Justin Bieber.

I actually thought I was going to include more individuals on this post but I think I got enough of a kick out of these characters. It’s never a dull moment in my life, that’s for sure. Sometimes I wonder what I could do to rid myself of people like this, but then what else would I write about? Oh yeah, my blonde moments, my dating disasters, my clumsiness, my bad fashion choices, bus riders, drunken highlights…. Okay I think you get the point. As long as I am still alive and kicking there will always be good writing inspiration and some good Khronicles…. On a side note, I need to seriously re-think the name of this blog. It sounds like something one of those effed up Kardashians came up with. No wonder why I have a hard time “keeping up”.