There's No Greater Power than the Power of Goodbye... or the power of Madonna

*yawn* ugh here I am again. Boy, am I wiped out. The past week sure took a lot out of me. I realized many things as I reached another birth anniversary. But mostly that I can’ t get away with acting younger. LOOKING younger, yes – and I plan to ride that out for as long as possible. But I had an awesome time. I had a very nice dinner last Wednesday that turned into a night I won’t soon forget… or remember for that matter. The funny thing is, I had planned it out for that day because I wanted to avoid going out and staying out later. But nonetheless, once I get a sip of alcohol all bets are off. You know how gays are with our alcohol, it’s like blood to a vampire – it nourishes us and helps keep us up till the wee hours of the night. Then Friday I went out with a “friend” and FINALLY got to meet up with an old friend from HS. What’s funny is that we both live in San Diego and in the 2 ½ years I’ve been here I have not seen her. But I figured what better occasion than to see each other and catch up. Unfortunately she was working so I couldn’t talk as much as I wanted but nonetheless it was great seeing her and hopefully we can get together again soon. And next time I’ll remember to take a picture since that seems to always slip my mind. How the hell am I expecting to make memories if I don’t snap a picture at that moment? Lawrd knows my memory is about as great as my coordination (see previous blogs) so I need to get better at it. And then obviously this past weekend I was up in LA and got both hang with my mom and my friends, obviously not together. I don’t know how my mom would feel about being around a bunch of gays and trannies. The only great part about it is that she would most likely out-drink me. I’ve seen that woman drink and TRUST me, so I feel I’m letting her down because I can’t quite keep up… at least not anymore. The great thing about getting older is that you definitely get a little wiser…. Or rather you SHOULD. I can’t say everyone gets smarter as they get older but from my own personal experience I feel as though I’m a different person from even a year ago. I’ve fallen, gotten back up, and unfortunately that’s not a metaphor – I really have horrible coordination. What kind of Libra am I if I lack balance? But I wanted to share a few life lessons I’ve come across the past year, in hopes that I can continue on the path towards discovering myself.

So if you’ve been following my Facebook posts (how could you not when there’s a new entry every hour?), you would have seen me discuss letting go of the past. Well, it has come to my attention that I haven’t exactly moved on from the past and have been carrying that baggage with me like a piece of toilet paper on my heel. Ladies and lady-boys, you know what I’m talking about. Well, it’s been tough. I can’t go into detail just yet but it all basically centers around one person – my father. For those who don’t know, I’ve been estranged from him for over 3 years. With everything I went through as a kid, I just had to learn how to live my life happily even if it meant cutting people out. In our last conversation I told him that my being gay was not a phase, it wasn’t a mistake. My hair choices on the other hand, yes those are horrible phases and even worse mistakes but this was not the case. And as a side note if you ever see me post or even mention the words “hair dye” please feel free to buzz my hair off in my sleep. I can’ t expose the world to that type of tragedy ever again. Getting back to the topic, I think I psyched myself into believing that that was my way of “moving on”. 3+ years later and I’m still dealing with the same issues. More recently, I’ve been feeling the skeleton pop out of my closet… and perfect, just in time for Halloween! Nothing spooks me more than the ghosts of Halloweens past. In the past week I had two separate conversations with friends where the subject of my dad came up and you could’ve called me Pandora because my box opened wide (not a euphemism). The first conversation was difficult and I found myself sharing some very personal information that FEW people know about. But it felt great, and again I thought that was enough. But LATER that evening when the conversation came up with my other friend I just broke down. Note to self: if you’re going to go drinking make sure you’re not going to be an emotional wreck. Thankfully I opted out of wearing my mascara that night otherwise I would have would have been sporting the raccoon look well before Halloween. But after both those incidents I realized I needed to learn to let go. My 26^th birthday was coming up and if I was going to move into a new year it would have to be a complete change. And just like a new season, I had to ditch the old heels and learn how to walk in a new pair… particularly with a shorter heel since again I am extremely clumsy (I hope you are getting the point of this, I shouldn’t be allowed to walk drunkenly let alone soberly). So I decided that now was the time for saying goodbye. I don’t think I would want to have a conversation with my dad over this. From my experience with him, I never seem to get my point through and all conversations lead to heated arguments. And since heat and humidity to a disservice to my hair I couldn’t risk taking that route and not be allowed to express myself fully. So soon, very soon, I will post an “open letter” to my Dad. It was going to be posted before this blog but honestly it’s not an easy thing for me to share. Don’t get me wrong, it will go up but this is my chance to say EVERYTHING to him that I have wanted to say for years. If you do the math, my parents divorced when I was 8, I first came out to my family around 14, then again at 18, and stopped talking to him 3ish years ago. So there’s about a good span of half my life worth of emotions that will be released. Unlike my blogs, I won’t just write and edit. I have to open up the wound and let it bleed out if I’m ever going to heal. Trust me; I am a much different person today than I was a year ago. I am much happier, and feel like I have a lot to appreciate. And if I am only going to get better then this is something I have to do. Goodbye to the past and hello to my future.

After visiting my friend Sarah on my birthday, I realized I need to make more time to see friends and family. I had not seen her since we graduated which was back in 2003. I’ll go ahead and do the math for you… that’s 8 years. I had a good time catching up with her, albeit a brief conversation since she was working but it was still nice. And even spending time with my mother this past weekend was very refreshing. Going along with what I mentioned in paragraph above, there are reasons why I have held back from making time for other people. I sometimes feel as though I could be a better son, brother, and friend; instead, I’m a bitter one. Like I said, I’ve held onto a lot of feelings from my past that have hindered my growth as a person. In regards to this, the truth is that I fear loneliness. I fear rejection. I fear the idea of getting close to anyone, because in my heart I just feel I’m going to be disappointed. With my dad, I tried several times to build a relationship and to become closer with one another but unfortunately every time always had the same result: I put in the work, while he just waits to get what he wants. I take that through every relationship I’ve had since. I keep a distance just close enough so that we can remain in contact, but far enough so that I don’t have to make myself so vulnerable. Is this a great approach? No. Well, not always; there are always exceptions to these things. I mean I do have some friends with whom I’m very close and share many details of my life but they are very few. I have realized now just how unhappy that has made me. You have no idea how much I want to reach out and talk to someone and get to know them. In my head the fear sets in that as soon as I expose myself to them (no, not like that) that they will leave me or hurt me. I’ve had it happen with my dad and other people whom I felt were good friends… boy was I wrong. I know I shouldn’t feel this way about everybody, but that’s the point I’m making. Is that now that I’m getting older and seeing the damage this is doing then I know what I need to do to fix it. I need to carve out time to see my family, call my friends, and build stronger relationships because the same problems that exist with opening up and getting closer with them has also trickled into my dating life. I have pushed so many people away because the thought of them seeing the real me is a scary thing. I mean if you can imagine me without any make up on that’d be a scary thing to see every morning (also in time for Halloween if you need costume ideas), so you know most people don’t see my vulnerable side. I just want to get to a point where I am 100% happy and content with my life and with those I surround myself with. My dad never learned to do that and has lived his life miserably and alone and that is something I hope to never experience for myself.

So as a final thought, I am happy at 26 – but probably about 60%. How did I come up with that number you ask? Well I work in Accounting, so numbers fascinate me. Plus I looked at something that had the number “60” so inspiration isn’t exactly flowing through me. What do you want from me? It’s too early. And yes I realize it’s the afternoon but after the week/end I’ve had I deserve a whole day to recover. I hope technology gets to a point where it can automatically transcribe our thoughts into writing without having to type. I’m lazy, give me a break. Besides then I could finally get away from the Kardashian-esque blog name and move into something more fun, like the “Bob Loblaw Law-less Law Blog” (pat yourself if you get the reference). But I am looking forward to the future. Once I learn to finally stop looking in the rear-view mirror I can learn to drive into the sunset. Of course, I need an actual car to accomplish this so maybe this isn’t the best analogy. But basically I mean that I can let go of the things that have held me back from being the person I really am and will be (and no her name is not Kelly, thanks).

Additionally, I just wanted to say that I never expect anyone to read these blogs but some of y’all have mentioned that you do. For that I say thank you, and sorry that you don’t have anything better to do. No really, go read a book. I kid, but thanks for the support and hope that I can bring a smile to your day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to making faces at my computer screen while holding onto the same paperwork I did 3 hours ago to make it look as though I’m working hard today. Don’t judge me. I get paid to look this good, that’s all that matters.