They Tried to Check Into the Hotel and I Said No, No, No

So I'm sitting here watching TV Guide waiting for My Life on the D-List and they are running yet another rerun of their "Father Doesn't Know Best" show or some shit like that. Last time I checked Father's Day was like two days ago so I think it's about time to start finding another show to run every hour on the hour. Of course speaking of Father's Day, I can't help but think of my own situation. Now I actually didn't even realize the day had come until Saturday. Could do with the fact that I haven't spoken to my father in about 2 years. I don't know what he's up to nowadays but I am fine with that. We have had such a tumultuous relationship over the years and I am finally getting my peace. Not many people know the history we have so here is a brief summary... Back when I was 14 my nosey ex-stepwitch (aka stepmother) somehow snooped through my belongings during one of my visits to her and my dad's home. There she found a letter I had written to a boy I had been crushing on in high school (I had just completed my freshman year). Needless to say the gay was let out the closet and all hell had broken loose. The conversation we had was about as pretty as my dad's wife at that time so I knew I was in store for some trouble. So sadly I was plucked from my comfortable life in Baldwin Park and shipped out to the wonderful country known as "The OC". I mean talk about a culture shock. I went from a school that was 90% Latinos to a school that was 90% whites! It's like being at the mall at an Anchor Blue and finding a Banana Republic next door... total WTF moment. Of course I had the worst time fitting in but even more so found it extremely hard being myself. You see, my dad and his wife were Power Christians (Seventh-Day Adventists to be exact) and they must have been on a power trip cause those two musta been trippin if they thought I was going to conform to their ways. Now cue the countdown to my breakdown, or breakthrough... same difference. During this mess of 3 years I lived a pretty rough life. I was not allowed to watch TV (unless it as on Pax TV), talk on the phone, use the computer (unless for school work), or have any friends over. At least 3 of those were torture. How is a boy supposed to go through puberty without the fundamentals? Oy vay! I often wondered how I would make it through. And luckily for me, just like every conservative Christian group out there, the family broke once again. Isn't it always interesting that the people who preach about family values the most tend to stray away from their own message? It didn't take a magnifying glass to read through those lines. But even so... when they did separate and I moved in with my dad things were far from better. He still wanted to be in control and tell me what to do and I couldn't take it. After the 2nd time he and I lived together I decided that was it. I had already officially come out to him (February 8th 2004 is my anniversary) and there was no backing down... backing up maybe but that's my business ;-). So I called him one day randomly and laid into him that I this is who I am. I am a gay man. And if he cannot accept that part of my life then we have no reason to talk. I refuse to be put back in the closet for the sake of one person. I don't live my life for him, or anyone else but myself. After several failed attempts at reviving our relationship it dawned on me two years ago that I was dealing with an unchanged person. At 47 years old at the time he had already gone through 3 marriages, 3 divorces, 3 kids (one who we didn't even know about until our trip to El Salvador in 2001) and 3 kids who to this day refuse to speak to him (this now includes my half sister Jenny who is not his daughter but grew up with him). I mean good lawd, if this man were to play Roulette I would venture to guess odd numbers would NOT be in his favor. But believe me, it has been a hard journey for myself too. In all this time I have tried learning more and more about myself and accepting my sexuality as well. I feel as though it's improving but I have a long way to go, I know that for sure. But my whole family knows, and everyone has been so lovingly accepting of it and I couldn't ask for anything more. I have learned to let go of that past and forgiven him for all that I went through. I no longer "hate" him for the person he is, because I know is the person he has chosen to be and for better or worse I have to accept that lifestyle choice too. Will I ever hear from him again? Only time will tell but let's just say it's not exactly one of my top priorities. Viva La Gay! :-)

Okay so now getting on to the good stuff. So the reason why I chose to do a blog is because I always run into interesting and hilarious situations at work... or rather hilarious and interesting people at work. Before I started work at the Good Nite Inn I actually had (if you can believe this) a heart. I am not saying I was a saint because believe me I am far from that (excuse me while I tend to my side) but I did see things through a different scope. Now after one year it ceases to amaze me how incredibly stupid some people can be. They say there is no such thing as a stupid question... uhhh apparently they haven't met our guests. Not a day goes by that someone enters the running to be America's Next Top Buffoon. Sorry, no Covergirl contract for you! I could list all the different situations but I think I'll just post as they come along - at least until my departure from the hotel (synchronizes watch to countdown). For instance, when someone makes a reservation under a particular person's name, it amazes me that people have a hard time understanding that only THAT person can check-into the reservation. I don't care if you're the dad, mother, son-in-law, wife, or CAT of the guest... just like an exclusive party if yo' name ain't on the list you ain't gettin in *snap*! Strangely enough this has been happening a lot more frequently and man it's a pain in the ass. Cause then you have to explain to the guest why you can't check them in, and even when you explain to them what they need to do to be able to check in they still get up in your face. Case in point... the other day this old broad came in to check in. Of COURSE it was under her husband's name so I knew I would be in for a treat. It was already late at night so you know my nerves were more worked than Britney's weave. So I explained to her really calmly that her name was not on the reservation and she needed to call Hotwire and have them add her name on it. Simple. Right? Wrong. Then this a-hole comes up and apparently thought that I was talking to him to so he took it upon himself to yell at me and say that I am not being helpful and that I need to let her in. So right about this time my blood had not boiled yet so I remained calm still and repeated myself to him so that he could get on board. Now one thing (out of many things) I don't like is being interrupted. If you look closely you can sometimes see my eye twitching when someone does because you know it's only a matter of time before my wig flies off. So of course the idiot did not understand my explanation... I don't know how to translate to douche so he was out of luck. And freetranslation.com does not carry that format so I was out of luck. So again I tried explaining to him very slowly what they needed to do and as I am doing so this fucker decides to interrupt me again and tell me what I need to do. Oh I'm sorry, I didn't see your Good Nite Inn bowling shirt so maybe that's why I wasn't following you... ASS. And I snapped! I interrupted HIM and told him "Sir! Please stop talking so that I could explain to you once again". They both looked at me as though I just threatened to break a table on their faces. Well I wasn't to that point JUST yet but I was close. I was just laughing inside at how in this whole argument I am telling them EXACTLY what they need to do and they somehow they accused me of not helping. Luckily the lobby doors were locked and this was all done at the night window so I could easily sashay away with grace and dignity... cause you know I am always thinking WWTD (What Would Tyra Do?). Certainly not THIS. And then, because really not enough people were involved in this situation, the daughter comes up and decides to take a turn at wacking me. Her approach was this: "Let me talk to you like a human being so that you could understand what we are saying". Yes she went there. So since I must have left my switch on "Robot", I took a deep breath and responded back "Well first of all I AM human and I do understand what you all are saying. So let me say this one more time so that you can understand me"... Yes I went there. Chris had officially left the building in his place was LaKelly who is not going to bat a lash for this shit. I was pretty much done and over with this crap and I had only been on shift for a half hour. Ugh. I left them to their own device and sure enough the husband calls me. I regretted not recording my previous statements so that I could play it for him rather than repeat myself for the millionth time. Surprisingly he seemed to completely get what I was saying. So maybe that was it. I should have been talking to these people through a phone so that they could understand me. Robo-Chris is no good through a prison visitor-glass window like.. window (don't judge me). So crisis was finally averted and thankfully this wouldn't be the night I would be kicking an old lady to the curb. Maybe next time but the lesson to be learned is not that if you make a reservation you should put it in the name of the actual individual checking in. No, the real lesson should be learned that if someone makes a reservation online for someone else, they should read the fine print that says to warn them about checking in with Chris. The customer is always right? Yeah the jury is still out on that verdict. Sidenote, maybe I am a robot since apparently I seem to model myself after THIS GUY.

End of the World Party... So BYOM (Bring Your Own Microwave)

So last night (or early earlier this morning around 1 am) I was going to post a new blog but OMG I had the biggest headache in a while. Not sure where it came from but it struck hard. I couldn't even keep my eyes open during the bus ride home it was that bad. Luckily when I got home and laid down the pain went away so *phew* cause last thing I need to do is stick a fork in my head lol. The only thing I will mention about yesterday is that the earthquake was no big deal to me. If you have lived in California long enough it's like "meh" to you. I was busy writing notes about something and didn't even flinch. Oddly enough the only sound that kept bothering me last night was that of two cats apparently getting it on. At first I had no idea what to make of it and I first thought it was two Asian people talking outside (LMAO I keed... love my Asians haha). But honestly compared to the earthquake that really bothered me. I mentally threw my hands up and thought "Ok this is it. Apparently EVERYONE and their cats is getting some at the hotel but ME". Something ain't right about this. And on a final note about last night, if I hear anyone else say "2012" I swear I will find a way to have them exiled and forced to watch the movie "2012" over and over.
So now today started off pretty well. Was supposed to have a movie date with Iris which unfortunately didn't go through. We need to sync our calendars. First I forget, then she forgets. At this rate we may as well plan to watch SATC 3 lol. Not to mention this week I am working an extra crazy night shift since our manager is out of town and the new Ass Manager (no not a typo) will be taking over in her place. Not to get into it so much, but I hope he can handle it. I mean after a month of being there and being trained there should be no reason why he can't (cut scene to him hiding in a corner in the office while covering his ears). I mean I personally think he needs more training in the front desk area if they insist on having him cover some shifts. I mean the work is not that hard to remember. But I guess coming from a 5-star hotel it takes a lot to come down from that cloud so excuse me.
So sometime in the afternoon I get text from my mother asking if I made the deposit to her bank to pay my aunt back for my car (story is too complicated to get into so just nod and pretend you follow). As soon as I finished my sighing I felt it was pretty important to get my ass there since her texts were coming in like clockwork. Sidenote, whoever introduced her to texting should be fired. I don't need to have my mother knowing what "lol" means. I am almost worried about getting a friend request from her on Facebook. So while thinking of killing two birds with one stone I figured if I am going to walk to the bank I may as well walk an extra 2 miles so I prepared to finally go on my regular route after I was done. First off, I will say that I currently don't have a bank account for personal reasons. I hate dealing with banks and plus Wal-Mart only charges $3 so I figure that's one less burger I will be able to afford. See? I'm all about the positive lol. So I get in line waiting to deposit the cash and when I finally get to the window the teller tells me that I was in the wrong line and it's only business transactions. Uhhh I guess I should have realized that the fancier velvet rope on the other side was really for regular customers. I mean damn can they get a sign or something to let us "regular" people know? I mean I guess I could have explained that the money was to pay my aunt back for my car that she took back and paid off the bank to pay it off. So teeeeeecchhhhnically it is a business transaction. So don't judge a book by its deposit slip, bitch. So I make my way over to the other line and realize that I will have to also get a receipt for the next 15 minutes of my life that will be wasted. So after finally making my way to the window the next teller asks "So how can I help you today?" to which I obviously respond that I am making a deposit to my mother's account. So then she starts asking me which bank I bank with to which I say none. Then she proceeds to ask "well how do you cash your checks?" to which I say "uhhh different places". So that was her cue to start trying to get me interested in getting an account (little did she know I had one not too long ago). She even went as far as getting a nearby manager to try to talk me into one. That sneaky bitch! First of all, if you are going to try and sell me you may want to stand up for at least a quick minute not sit on your chair the whole time. Secondly, since when did making a deposit turn into an interrogation scene? I obviously need to come better prepared next time so that when i say I have no account I won't feel like I'm on an episode of Maury. This exchange we were going through was obviously annoying me so I just interrupted them both and just said "I'm just here to make a deposit, okay?" That shut them up. (Note to self: apparently fine print comes in verbal language too!). So the next time I am asked "How can I help you today?" my response should either be a quick shake of the head or I should pretend to speak an opposite language lol. (Note to self: youtube videos on Portuguese translations).
So after leaving Officer Teller I finally was able to make my way on my long walking route. I must say the weather was extremely gorgeous after the last couple of cloudy days. Summer is finally here and so is the one thing i love about summer: HOT, SHIRTLESS MEN! You know it's serious when I use ALL CAPS. Not sure why I needed to "all cap" ALL CAPS but I digress. Now for those who know me well enough know that I can NOT stand flip flops. Something about the sound they make really bugs me. Plus I also feel that it's really more beach attire. The same goes for anyone wearing board shorts in a residential. Unless your backyard has a tunnel that leads to any open waters I really don't think it's necessary. We all know you want that "yeah, I surf" look but let's take it somewhere else. My only exception to these rules is when the guy is shirtless and has an amazing body. I almost speechless every time I see that. Funny enough so was this one guy that I noticed checking out some dude across the street. The spectator apparently forgot that he was walking his dog who seemed to keep pulling on his leash as his owner was trying to find his jaw. I guess even the dog was over it. I think I even noticed it rolling its eyes. Sounds like my kind of dog! But I can't blame the guy. The dude was seriously hot. I almost wanted to throw my judgements on the neighbor's lawn, throw a bucket of sand at the guy, and let him keep thinking he was at the beach. More cowbell? I think more SAND! Damn now I was getting hungry for some chicken.... I'll wait for you to catch up LOL.
Two miles and two sore legs later I rested up a bit at home before I went to check out the grocery store down the street. I happened to come across the new video for Katy Perry's "California Gurls" and was amazed. I never wanted to hug my game of Candyland while holding a giant lolly more so than that moment. Damn this can't be good for my hunger. About 4 minutes later I felt like my body was on a sugar crash. I almost forgot i was getting hungry. So an hour later (lol) I finally got up to make my way to the grocery store. Now I always see this place, Pancho Villa, and figured it can't really be that different than Food 4 Less. Besides, you try buying Horchata at Vons without getting an eyebrow raise from the local paletero. So I went in and realized WOW, this place looks a lot smaller. It reminded me of that scene in Loaded Weapon (not to be confused with the Oscar-nominated Lethal Weapon... *ahem*) when Emilio Estevez's character has a tiny ass trailer that opened up into a surprisingly elegant mansion hahaha. So here I was on a mission to get some sandwich materials and some frozen foods when I realized they didn't have any!!! I made like three trips back and forth searching for the name "Tyson" but came up with nothing. I guess I can't expect much from a place that apparently has a taco shop built inside. I mean real Latinos don't believe in frozen foods. The freezer in your fridge is made ONLY for ice and leftover wedding or quinceñera cakes. How could I forget? Oh. Yeah. That's right. I said "real" Latinos. So after making my way through the cash register I made my 4-block walk of shame while only carrying some bread, turkey, cheese, and hot dogs. And yeah it wasn't until I got to checkout that I realized I forgot to get hot dog buns. I think I was honestly too embarrassed to walk back and face those "ethnic food" aisles again. Ahhh Vons how I missed thee. Let me count the coupon savings. So that was pretty much my day. Hope you all enjoyed your Tubular Tuesdays!

This post was sponsored by Tyson Foods, Inc. and brought to you by the letter "S" for Wells Fargo as in "Wells Fargo you can Suck it!". You live you learn.

Karma Is a Bitch and She is After Your Alternator

Not sure if I need an introduction for my first blog post. Ummmm how about "Welcome to my Blog. I'm a pirate"... for those of you who know where that is from I say kudos. You may pat yourself on the back now. Well annnnnyyyyyywho... here goes. So this morning I wake up and find a man laying next to me. Not sure what to do since he is still asleep so I just doze right back. For any of you pervs who want the details, it was my coworker. My STRAIGHT coworker. My STRAIGHT, MARRIED coworker. My STRAIGHT, MARRIED, FATHER OF ONE coworker. Need I go on? Well needless to say we both finally get up and fix ourselves a cup of "French press coffee". Never heard of it before but apparently it's all the craze. And how! It was definitely a great cup to start my day and what better way to French it up than to add French Vanilla creamer. I almost felt as though I needed to add some French Toast or French Fries to complete the trifecta. So because I entered the straight world, Eddie felt as though I should butch myself up a bit more (last night we enjoyed an evening of action and beers... Yum! *burp*). So we got into watching the USA vs. England soccer match for a bit (and today I also learned that the World Cup happens every 4 years. Who knew? Well.... apparently everyone but ME :-P). Now I must admit, for someone who has the coordination of a paraplegic camel I never bothered to watch sports of any kind. I mean even during the Super Bowl I stay for the commercials and the possibility of a flashed titty... even if it's someone from The Who lol. But in watching the sports I found myself curiously interested in the game. Not sure if it was the animation in the announcer's voice, or the hot men running around, or the quick glimpses of David Beckham watching from the sidelines (or even all three) but I was HOOKED! I only wish I had seen it all the way through but Eddie was ready for an excursion. After doing some window shopping (or rather fish tank glass shopping) we decided our time was over. So he dropped me off at home and now I had to make plans for my 2nd date of the day. Could anything top a visit to the fish store? I didn't think so but apparently I would be in for a treat.
So now I go home and find out some amazing news... my roomie is pregnant! Not sure what that meant for me. I mean I am still working on my midwife license after all so yikes! So by this time I make my awkward escape to my room (never quite sure how to end a conversation with someone you live with lol) and rest up before I get ready for my afternoon shift with El Mike (I call him that since Mike is the Black in him and El is the Latino he wishes were in him LOL *waves at Mike*). So upon my pickup time we make our rounds to the grand stop that is known as Wal-Mart. Thank the thrifty gods that they cash checks for only $3! Calculating 1.5% on a bi-weekly basis is too much... a straight....err... forward $3 is all I can handle since I'm not great with my money lol. So shortly after that we check some stuff out and head on over to Miss Dion's *clonk* to figure out what to do. We finaly decide to head to Olive Garden cause we is classy like that. No better way to spend the afternoon than to bullshit about racists, coworkers, and "endless breadsticks". Ahhh I wanna kiss the creator of double entendres (please don't correct me Kathy Griffin). So like every good department store sale, all good things come to an end. Now it was time to prepare myself for the dreaded *pauses for multiple eye rolls* night shift. You'd think I would be used to it but seriously what gives? Hotels should not be 24 hours. You get what you need in the daytime and that's that. I mean most of the time no one bugs me between 1-6 am ANYways so why am I even there? You could put a cardboard cutout of myself and no one would know the difference. I mean I give the same stone-cold face either way hahaha. So as I get on Eddie and the newbie start telling me about some ghetto ass Chicana who was beating her son right in the lobby just for messing with the brochures. I mean damn, can't someone read up about Dining Cruises and Boat Rentals in peace? Now personally I don't condone beating of any kind even the "shit out of" sort. And ESPECIALLY not in public. I mean poor kid but also poor mom. You know that growing up she didn't meet a chankla that didn't properly introduce itself to her face. And she was fat? LOL jk well not really... she was. This lady had nothing going for her. Even the wet look her "blonde" hair was going for didn't look right. Well as it turns out, later that evening the lady comes down to warm up her McD's (see, told ya) and proceeds to tell me about her adventures in TJ and how her car broke down on the way back up (sidenote, is it not ironic that the vehicle was an Excursion?? LOL mean talk about getting off on the wrong foot....pedal). Well good luck to her and her problems. Not the car, but that hair! As for me, the night shift remains more quiet than normal. At least I brought my laptop to comfort my ears. Let's see if I can make it these next 4 hours cause I am ready to have face meet pillow. Well good night kiddies and I hope you enjoyed my first blog. I know I rambled on a bit but if you know me well enough you know I do that a lot lol... I'll try to keep it to a 400-word max next time. Ahhh who am i kidding? With all that goes on War and Peace won't have anything on me hahaha.

Thanks again for reading! This blog was sponsored by Kraft Foods and brought to you by the letter "C"... C.U.N.T (C U Next Time!)