There's No Greater Power than the Power of Goodbye... or the power of Madonna

*yawn* ugh here I am again. Boy, am I wiped out. The past week sure took a lot out of me. I realized many things as I reached another birth anniversary. But mostly that I can’ t get away with acting younger. LOOKING younger, yes – and I plan to ride that out for as long as possible. But I had an awesome time. I had a very nice dinner last Wednesday that turned into a night I won’t soon forget… or remember for that matter. The funny thing is, I had planned it out for that day because I wanted to avoid going out and staying out later. But nonetheless, once I get a sip of alcohol all bets are off. You know how gays are with our alcohol, it’s like blood to a vampire – it nourishes us and helps keep us up till the wee hours of the night. Then Friday I went out with a “friend” and FINALLY got to meet up with an old friend from HS. What’s funny is that we both live in San Diego and in the 2 ½ years I’ve been here I have not seen her. But I figured what better occasion than to see each other and catch up. Unfortunately she was working so I couldn’t talk as much as I wanted but nonetheless it was great seeing her and hopefully we can get together again soon. And next time I’ll remember to take a picture since that seems to always slip my mind. How the hell am I expecting to make memories if I don’t snap a picture at that moment? Lawrd knows my memory is about as great as my coordination (see previous blogs) so I need to get better at it. And then obviously this past weekend I was up in LA and got both hang with my mom and my friends, obviously not together. I don’t know how my mom would feel about being around a bunch of gays and trannies. The only great part about it is that she would most likely out-drink me. I’ve seen that woman drink and TRUST me, so I feel I’m letting her down because I can’t quite keep up… at least not anymore. The great thing about getting older is that you definitely get a little wiser…. Or rather you SHOULD. I can’t say everyone gets smarter as they get older but from my own personal experience I feel as though I’m a different person from even a year ago. I’ve fallen, gotten back up, and unfortunately that’s not a metaphor – I really have horrible coordination. What kind of Libra am I if I lack balance? But I wanted to share a few life lessons I’ve come across the past year, in hopes that I can continue on the path towards discovering myself.

So if you’ve been following my Facebook posts (how could you not when there’s a new entry every hour?), you would have seen me discuss letting go of the past. Well, it has come to my attention that I haven’t exactly moved on from the past and have been carrying that baggage with me like a piece of toilet paper on my heel. Ladies and lady-boys, you know what I’m talking about. Well, it’s been tough. I can’t go into detail just yet but it all basically centers around one person – my father. For those who don’t know, I’ve been estranged from him for over 3 years. With everything I went through as a kid, I just had to learn how to live my life happily even if it meant cutting people out. In our last conversation I told him that my being gay was not a phase, it wasn’t a mistake. My hair choices on the other hand, yes those are horrible phases and even worse mistakes but this was not the case. And as a side note if you ever see me post or even mention the words “hair dye” please feel free to buzz my hair off in my sleep. I can’ t expose the world to that type of tragedy ever again. Getting back to the topic, I think I psyched myself into believing that that was my way of “moving on”. 3+ years later and I’m still dealing with the same issues. More recently, I’ve been feeling the skeleton pop out of my closet… and perfect, just in time for Halloween! Nothing spooks me more than the ghosts of Halloweens past. In the past week I had two separate conversations with friends where the subject of my dad came up and you could’ve called me Pandora because my box opened wide (not a euphemism). The first conversation was difficult and I found myself sharing some very personal information that FEW people know about. But it felt great, and again I thought that was enough. But LATER that evening when the conversation came up with my other friend I just broke down. Note to self: if you’re going to go drinking make sure you’re not going to be an emotional wreck. Thankfully I opted out of wearing my mascara that night otherwise I would have would have been sporting the raccoon look well before Halloween. But after both those incidents I realized I needed to learn to let go. My 26^th birthday was coming up and if I was going to move into a new year it would have to be a complete change. And just like a new season, I had to ditch the old heels and learn how to walk in a new pair… particularly with a shorter heel since again I am extremely clumsy (I hope you are getting the point of this, I shouldn’t be allowed to walk drunkenly let alone soberly). So I decided that now was the time for saying goodbye. I don’t think I would want to have a conversation with my dad over this. From my experience with him, I never seem to get my point through and all conversations lead to heated arguments. And since heat and humidity to a disservice to my hair I couldn’t risk taking that route and not be allowed to express myself fully. So soon, very soon, I will post an “open letter” to my Dad. It was going to be posted before this blog but honestly it’s not an easy thing for me to share. Don’t get me wrong, it will go up but this is my chance to say EVERYTHING to him that I have wanted to say for years. If you do the math, my parents divorced when I was 8, I first came out to my family around 14, then again at 18, and stopped talking to him 3ish years ago. So there’s about a good span of half my life worth of emotions that will be released. Unlike my blogs, I won’t just write and edit. I have to open up the wound and let it bleed out if I’m ever going to heal. Trust me; I am a much different person today than I was a year ago. I am much happier, and feel like I have a lot to appreciate. And if I am only going to get better then this is something I have to do. Goodbye to the past and hello to my future.

After visiting my friend Sarah on my birthday, I realized I need to make more time to see friends and family. I had not seen her since we graduated which was back in 2003. I’ll go ahead and do the math for you… that’s 8 years. I had a good time catching up with her, albeit a brief conversation since she was working but it was still nice. And even spending time with my mother this past weekend was very refreshing. Going along with what I mentioned in paragraph above, there are reasons why I have held back from making time for other people. I sometimes feel as though I could be a better son, brother, and friend; instead, I’m a bitter one. Like I said, I’ve held onto a lot of feelings from my past that have hindered my growth as a person. In regards to this, the truth is that I fear loneliness. I fear rejection. I fear the idea of getting close to anyone, because in my heart I just feel I’m going to be disappointed. With my dad, I tried several times to build a relationship and to become closer with one another but unfortunately every time always had the same result: I put in the work, while he just waits to get what he wants. I take that through every relationship I’ve had since. I keep a distance just close enough so that we can remain in contact, but far enough so that I don’t have to make myself so vulnerable. Is this a great approach? No. Well, not always; there are always exceptions to these things. I mean I do have some friends with whom I’m very close and share many details of my life but they are very few. I have realized now just how unhappy that has made me. You have no idea how much I want to reach out and talk to someone and get to know them. In my head the fear sets in that as soon as I expose myself to them (no, not like that) that they will leave me or hurt me. I’ve had it happen with my dad and other people whom I felt were good friends… boy was I wrong. I know I shouldn’t feel this way about everybody, but that’s the point I’m making. Is that now that I’m getting older and seeing the damage this is doing then I know what I need to do to fix it. I need to carve out time to see my family, call my friends, and build stronger relationships because the same problems that exist with opening up and getting closer with them has also trickled into my dating life. I have pushed so many people away because the thought of them seeing the real me is a scary thing. I mean if you can imagine me without any make up on that’d be a scary thing to see every morning (also in time for Halloween if you need costume ideas), so you know most people don’t see my vulnerable side. I just want to get to a point where I am 100% happy and content with my life and with those I surround myself with. My dad never learned to do that and has lived his life miserably and alone and that is something I hope to never experience for myself.

So as a final thought, I am happy at 26 – but probably about 60%. How did I come up with that number you ask? Well I work in Accounting, so numbers fascinate me. Plus I looked at something that had the number “60” so inspiration isn’t exactly flowing through me. What do you want from me? It’s too early. And yes I realize it’s the afternoon but after the week/end I’ve had I deserve a whole day to recover. I hope technology gets to a point where it can automatically transcribe our thoughts into writing without having to type. I’m lazy, give me a break. Besides then I could finally get away from the Kardashian-esque blog name and move into something more fun, like the “Bob Loblaw Law-less Law Blog” (pat yourself if you get the reference). But I am looking forward to the future. Once I learn to finally stop looking in the rear-view mirror I can learn to drive into the sunset. Of course, I need an actual car to accomplish this so maybe this isn’t the best analogy. But basically I mean that I can let go of the things that have held me back from being the person I really am and will be (and no her name is not Kelly, thanks).

Additionally, I just wanted to say that I never expect anyone to read these blogs but some of y’all have mentioned that you do. For that I say thank you, and sorry that you don’t have anything better to do. No really, go read a book. I kid, but thanks for the support and hope that I can bring a smile to your day. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go back to making faces at my computer screen while holding onto the same paperwork I did 3 hours ago to make it look as though I’m working hard today. Don’t judge me. I get paid to look this good, that’s all that matters.

We're Just Ordinary People.... Except These Folks

First off, I’m just going to say that I miss my laptop. We had some good times, some bad times, and a lot of private time. I’ll leave it at that for your sake. But the one thing I miss is writing. So much has gone on in just the past few months. So much to share, so little RAM. You know, the one constant I love about life is that you always run into new people throughout your existence. Whether it’s a onetime thing (not involving a night stand), or someone you come across every so often, there’s always something to be said about those individuals. And since you know I LOVE finding inspiration to blog, I dedicate this particular one to a few select individuals for whom I had the pleasure (in terms of having something to write about) of meeting. Look, I know I post a lot about being positive and looking at the brighter things in life. So you might sit there and think “well that seems a little contradictory to the messages you’re spewing”. Not exactly so, because I am POSITIVE that these people are a hot mess and my life has shined brighter now that I’ve created some distance. See? My glass is still half full…. So someone needs to refill my vodka thanks.

Once again I moved to a new residence. I think this one might be a record as I was only at the previous one for about 3-4 months or so. Sure, the first month everything seemed great. I moved in with these two older guys, 45 and 55 years old (not a couple), whom I had met off of Craigslist after I had posted an ad. Yeah, there’s absolutely nothing about that last sentence that could raise some flags. I guess part of me felt a little desperate since my search had been going miserably. So it was either I find a new place quickly or stay at my apt and live off top ramen for a month. Not sure if I can do that without possibly turning Asian by the next month. I justified the move with it being in a nicer, quieter area. It was truly a hard thing saying goodbye to the homeless who doubled as my neighbors. Now who was going to wake me up in the middle of the night with their ramblings and bum fights? I guess I could hire a few guys, but it just wouldn’t be the same. But I felt the new place was going to be a great improvement. As I said, it was in a nicer, quieter area; the guy had a washer and dryer set; it had a nice view of the canyon (because there is no selling point greater than staring out into a field of nothing); and of course the Jacuzzi. I don’t know if part of me was expecting to create my own “Real World” hot tub experience (not with the roomies) but it seemed different enough to say yes. Unfortunately the only thing “real” about the Jacuzzi was that it was “real” bad timing since I moved in during summer so there wasn’t really any need for it really. So a little about these guys… they were older, hardly ever went out, were gay, and boy did they love pot. And I mean they LOVED pot. They smoked literally every single day, at least a few hits a night. Now don’t get me wrong – I, myself, have dabbled in Mother Nature’s best and find it can be relaxing. But I certainly don’t need to hit it up every single day, and not to the point that they did. What could two old grumps possibly need to chill from? Don’t worry, in 5 years you can take advantage of the early bird specials. Or are you stressing over your retirement fund? It certainly wasn’t about keeping up a nice home cause in the 3-4 months I was there, I saw them clean a total of two times – once because they were throwing a 4^th of July party, and the second because company was coming over. I hope someone tells them that bugs don’t clean up after themselves, and they didn’t either. I remember one time I got scolded because I didn’t wash some dishes that were left in the sink (which were NOT mine). I really need to remember to print copies of craigslist ads because I was wondering if “houseboy” was listed under the roommate description. Well at least I could finally put that maid costume to use. So naturally because they were older, it was only a matter of time before the creepy factor set in. I remember whenever I would head out, the oldest one would ask where was I headed, with whom am I going out, is it someone I’m dating, and if I’m planning on brining anyone home. I don’t know about you all readers, but I moved out of my parent’s home a long ass time ago. So my days of reporting to my elders were about as gone as their chances of picking up a broom. Maybe I should have made something up that way he could sleep better at night, although I’m sure a warm glass of milk would do the job at his age. I later discovered (translation: he confessed) during an argument that he had been going in my room when I wasn’t home. To do what, I don’t know and frankly I don’t know if I wanted to find out. I guess I should have suspected something because there were always dog hairs in the room, and he was pretty hairy. I’m sorry but between him, the other guy, and the dog…. I was only fond of one other bitch than myself. So the final cherry to this bloody Sunday was an accusation of stealing lotion. Yeah… you heard that right: LOTION. I don’t know what was more ridiculous, the fact that I was being accused of something that at most cost $6 or the fact that I stood there long enough to hear about all this. Maybe it was me, who knows (spoiler alert: it wasn’t), but considering he had been going in my room the last thing I wanted to supply this guy with was lotion.

Okay. So because I’m at work and because it’s fresh in my mind let me introduce you to a new character I’ve come across in this sitcom called my life. No, I wouldn’t dream of having such a simple title. As the saying goes “Go Big or Go Home”, and no THAT’S not the title either. I’ll get back to that, as I am going on a tangent. A few months ago my company received the worst news possible. Frankly, it’s the worse news a gay person could hear: my incredibly hot coworker was leaving us. Now would have been the time to change religions and seek out God because that is all kinds of NOT RIGHT. I mean I guess it had something to do with him graduating from law school and blah blah blah. Psshhh… we all know he’s only good for one thing: being hot. So unless there’s a new form of law that requires lawyers to remain shirtless, I’m hardly interested. So as these things go, I can only wait in anticipation to see who would soon replace him. I mean, those are some pretty big shoes to fill. And we all know what they say about big shoes: no chance in hell anyone is going to better him. And sure enough I was right. After retiring from her apparent stint as “faces of meth”, the new coworker was found. Now don’t get me wrong I like to give people chances, but as an employee and a team person I have my own expectations. This chick has exceeded not a one. And since I’m Mr. “Not the One” it was only a matter of time before I would find a reason to blog about her. Seriously, I could write a whole book on her regarding what she wears, what she says, how she acts, her incompetence… well you get the idea. No? Okay, her laugh, her open obsession with junk food, and so on. No one should be wearing hooker heels to work, no one should be acting as though they’re doing their job right when I find mistake after mistake, and no one should be allowed to bring up random topics during lunch meetings such as death and serial killers. The next time I see any of this going on I swear I will chuck a pop tart at her face. Thankfully since that is ALL she eats all day, I’ll have an unlimited supply. I mean the other day during our weekly office lunch meeting, we were all getting ready to eat when she noticed they didn’t give her ranch dressing with her meal. Not only did she throw a fit and storm off, thereby making a tool of herself, but she also simultaneously made lunch much more enjoyable since she didn’t join us. I mean for crying out loud, the food is FREE to us. And between you and me, homegurl could stand to back off the ranch. I’ve seen fresher faces in a retirement home. I don’t know whose bright idea was it to hire her but they need to spend some time in the corner re-thinking this one. Thankfully she works in the warehouse shipping area, because the first moment where I catch her sleeping I’m hauling her ass in a box and shipping her to Canada. Consider it payback for giving us Justin Bieber.

I actually thought I was going to include more individuals on this post but I think I got enough of a kick out of these characters. It’s never a dull moment in my life, that’s for sure. Sometimes I wonder what I could do to rid myself of people like this, but then what else would I write about? Oh yeah, my blonde moments, my dating disasters, my clumsiness, my bad fashion choices, bus riders, drunken highlights…. Okay I think you get the point. As long as I am still alive and kicking there will always be good writing inspiration and some good Khronicles…. On a side note, I need to seriously re-think the name of this blog. It sounds like something one of those effed up Kardashians came up with. No wonder why I have a hard time “keeping up”.