Wake Me Up Before I.... Uh Oh.... Nevermind

So on my way to work this morning I realized a few things: (a) it should never be this hot before noon, (b) SD STILL needs to improve their transportation system, and (c) I should never let my hair grow out this long knowing the ongoing love-hate (the “love” part is silent) relationship I have with humidity. It reminds me of that episode of Friends when they’re in Barbados and Monica’s hair turns into that of a sistah’s. Additionally, what I realized was how often I put myself into embarrassing situations (and how much I should really invest in a hat or pocket mirror). So I figured I’d share a few of my favorite moments in life. My life is basically like an episode of America’s Funniest Home Videos; thankfully with less Bob Saget. Now keep in mind that there are a LOT of moments I could share but who has the time? Just think of this as a really great bloopers special – aka my legacy.

Probably one of the biggest things I get the most flack about is my lack of coordination. Walking should be as easy as riding a bike. Unfortunately, I never learned how to do that either so I’m pretty F-ed. Yes, you read that right: I NEVER LEARNED TO RIDE A BIKE. Not that there weren’t opportunities. I went through the training wheels period, just never really pedaled past that. A certain person’s lack of patience became a bigger bump in the road than the actual bumps in the road. Wow, this whole blaming my estranged father for all my problems is actually becoming easier than I thought (:p). But any who, I’m not quite sure why it’s such a problem for me; I can’t even multitask it’s that bad. A perfect example is once when I was living in Dana Point, my dad and I lived in a duplex and we occupied the top space. Well one afternoon, I was going to meet up with a friend and I was walking (note: not running) down the stairs while simultaneously texting him. As I made my way down, I thought I’d be cool and take a giant leap from the last step onto the pavement. My first mistake was in trying to do ANYTHING remotely “cool”. The only “cool” things I should be allowed to do are “down”. Well, that’s exactly the direction I went – face-first. I literally touched the ground as a bunch of cars were waiting for the light to change. Little did they know that they’d be getting a show at the drive-in. Too bad for me, my car wasn’t so close by otherwise I would have slithered into my car dragging my shame behind me. As you can probably guess, I was that kid who always got picked last in sports – EVERY sport. I think the only time I didn’t get picked last (surprise, I was SECOND to last) was when every other person on the team was a star player so I was pretty disposable. No matter to me; I mean I got to stand around, get some sun, watch hot guys run around (often shirtless), still got a B in the class AND the best part was not even having to break a sweat. Now who really is the loser? Okay you can stop pointing at me, thanks.

So as I’m sitting here I can’t help but be reminded of how difficult even THAT has been for me. For someone who has spent most of his career working in offices you would think I would have it mastered. Alas, even I have fallen (key word) victim to an object that doesn’t require much effort besides literally just sitting. Years ago I used to work for a staffing agency as a payroll admin/receptionist. My job consisted of entering applications into the system and having them ready for the recruiters when interviews were scheduled. Sooooo the way the office was set up was just four desks set up in a square space (two desks in front and one each behind them) and no cubicles. One day upon completing a stack of applications the recruiter behind me asked to see one since her interview was due to arrive. Now to set the scene: in the office was myself, her, the other recruiter (who was in the middle of conducting an interview at her desk), and then a few other folks waiting to be interviewed/use the computers. Well this was again one of those moments where I tried being something I wasn’t: cool (see previous paragraph). This was also a perfect example of how fat and incredibly lazy I was. Rather than get up and walk the 3 feet behind me to hand the recruiter the application, I decided to roll my chair back and hand it to her behind my head without looking at her. What a douche. I certainly got what I deserved, that’s for sure. Right as she is about to reach for it, I lean back a little more and the next thing you know, my legs are up in the air (no, not something I should be used to) and I topple over – chair and all! Lawrd if you could have seen the look on my face. I just got served a dosing of carpet and leather – two things I really don’t care for in the slightest. If there’s anything I despise less (which is really a LOT) it’s embarrassing myself in public. Sure I can be a fool by myself just fine, but I don’t really care much for a crowd. Sadly, this wasn’t the last time an incident like this occurred for me. The next time was a little more private (and thankfully at a different job). I had the pleasure of being stuck with an old, rocky chair for my desk (a chair that really should come with an insurance form if you ask me) and I hated it, and I’m sure it hated me. I mean around that time I weighed over 220 lbs so no chair could really enjoy my company. Well as I was listening to music and checking something in our databse, I leaned in to grab something across my desk and whoop there I went again on my fat ass. If chairs could speak, I’m sure it would have found a way to fall over again but this time in laughter. I don’t know what hurt more, my ass or my dignity.

Now taking this whole sitting thing a step further, I also suck badly at driving. Anyone who has had the displeasure of having to play passenger to me should know there’s a reason why I don’t have a car right now; it’s called “for the good of the nation”. I’m surprised steering wheels haven’t placed a restraining order again me. I don’t know what’s worse: my inability to follow directions or just simple driving techniques such as parking or DRIVING. One moment that comes to mind was when I was driving with my bestie Josh in the passenger seat. I forget where we were headed, but it involved taking a left turn. So because I’m SOOOO great at doing two things at once, I go to make a left turn and somehow turned right onto the center divider and drove right over it. For a second I thought I had missed a pedestrian and hit THEM but sadly the only person who lost out on this situation was me. This was my first car and poor thing had no idea what they were getting into, or who was getting into him. RIP Nissan Stanza. As I said, I suck at directions. I’ve even gone out of the way to print mapquest directions many times and still somehow manage to even fuck THAT up. My parents would be so proud of me right now. Another incident was when I was going to visit Josh again on a Friday after work. Now, I had been to his house MANY times and even after work had figured out the route and became pretty familiar with it. So what happened next could ONLY happen to me (the jury may still be out on that but I’m pretty confident that I am sitting alone on that boat). I left work (at that time was Irvine), made my way to his place (Rowland Heights) while jamming out to my music and singing out loud (most likely a Britney song) and at one point on my trip I looked up to see “Rosemead Blvd”. For those who are unaware, my route should have gone as follows: 5 North to the 57 North. “Rosemead Blvd” is near Santa Fe Springs – almost 20 miles NORTH of where my exit was. So yes, I had been sitting pointlessly in traffic for about a half hour more than I should have.

Good grief who the hell gave me the OK to get a license? I actually FAILED my first driving test for good reason. Clearly driving was not in my future. Now would be the best time to point your freshly-manicured fingers at my dad once again, who at this time is unable to defend himself. It makes sense. If he had been more patient when I was learning to ride a bike then I wouldn’t have failed so badly when it came to walking, sitting, driving, standing, thinking, and doing more than ONE thing at a time. But then again, my mishaps wouldn’t be half as entertaining. Don’t thank him for that either. Thanks for reading again. I would bow or curtsy but considering my luck, I think my doctors would advise against that.

Jesus Take the Wheel... or Basically Anyone But Me

Well hello again. You may want to pull up a seat, as this blog is going to take a somewhat serious route. Just think of it as your parents telling you they’re taking you to Disneyland, when in fact they are taking you to the dentist’s office. By the end of this journey everyone will be left miserable and somewhat woozy from its effects. And hey, who knows, maybe it’ll make going to Disneyland that much more fun.

So now, some recent events have made me “hmmm” quite a bit. I’ve been “hmm”-ing so much lately that I’ve lost about 15 lbs from all the air I’ve been expelling. I think I even lost a lung, but who needs two really? Now there’s a problem that I’ve been carrying around with me since I was a pre-teen. Something that only two people are aware of, and not even my family knows anything of it.

Since I was younger, I have suffered from depression and what I believe is social anxiety. It stems from my relationship (or lack thereof) from my father, and my childhood. You see, when I had the misfortune of having to live with him after my freshman year in HS my life took a serious turn. Everyone thought it would be a great idea. I mean, living in the OC, a school full of white people, and not a speck of trash on the streets. It was like I had died and went to heaven… well, not my version of heaven at least (well, except the white guys). No, this was more like finding out that the only channel you get on your satellite is the PAX network. And you know, anything that gives Billy Ray Cyrus a chance at acting can’t be a good thing. So I was basically plucked from my comfort zone and thrust into a new environment. You’d figure “well at least you can get a chance to make new friends and hang out and still be a teen, right?” No. Wrong. Since my dad didn’t trust me around any boys at school (I don’t blame him) or any bad influences, I wasn’t allowed to: watch TV (unless it featured Della Reese); go on the Internet (unless it got through the parental controls); use the phone (unless the word “church” was mentioned more than once); oh and yeah, have a life basically. So my schedule went as follows: go to school, come home, do homework, eat dinner, and sleep. I had pretty much mastered how to be a retiree by age 15. Sure I found ways to get around all this, but my life basically sucked. I had a harder time making friends in school because I hadn’t come out of the closet yet. So knowing how to be myself was lost on me, or trapped in the closet (not an R. Kelly reference). I tried opening up to certain people but honestly my social skills were far and gone. The only people I was allowed to talk to were adults from church. To be honest, from sophomore year to basically senior year I was a loner. I sat at the front of the school, eating my lunch/doing homework, and watching everyone’s life flash before MY eyes. I didn’t know how to combat the situation and found solace with music and my imagination.

Now over the years I can say that my problems have somewhat improved. I’ve found a niche with certain friends, but it hasn’t completely gone away. I don’t like to victimize myself because I know I can be better than that. But it’s been a struggle…. Oh man has it been a struggle. The easy part is MAKING friends, but the hardest part is KEEPING friends. I’ve had bad experiences with family, exes, and even “friends”. And although I can admit to some of the wrongdoing on my end, it doesn’t make anything easier. I have a lot of trust issues and really the only person I consider close in my life is my friend Josh. He is the first person I turn to for anything (read: everything) and lately I’ve been feeling that I have relied upon him TOO much. It’s like that episode of Sex and the City when Carrie just goes on and on about her problems with Big to the girls, that they finally tell her to see someone else to help her deal. Well I tried that once. Back in LA I was seeing a regular therapist to help cope with these problems, but as I felt that I was opening up more and becoming vulnerable I stopped going. It wasn’t even about him, but I just felt that I couldn’t truly open myself up to be exposed in that manner. I’m scared of people seeing the darker side of myself and a lot of times I will put on a front to mask those feelings. Is it healthy? Not at all, and sometimes I go as far as running away from those problems so as to avoid it. That’s the reason why I’ve moved around a lot. I thought it was because I had been getting bored with life, but it turns out I was trying to get away from myself.

I’ve been in San Diego for a little more than two years. I first thought that the reasons for the big move were to get away from the chaos that was living in Los Angeles. I had a good job but felt I wanted more. I wanted to try something different and start fresh elsewhere. Two years later the only thing I’ve accomplished is feeling more alone than I ever have been. I’ve been a series of huge mistakes with friends and therefore burnt some bridges. I even began to get close with someone who I thought was a good friend. It turns out; he was very vocal about my personal life when I was not around. Naturally I was furious, but it seemed to be a mirror of myself and things I had done. Would I mend that friendship and start anew? No. Once the trust is gone in a relationship (for me, at least) then it’s forever gone. And now I’ve recently cut ties with two other friends for mistakes that were made. Did I sense the friendship drifting? Sure. But I held on because if there’s anything I’m more afraid of in life it’s being alone. But now that we’ve gone through this recent situation, I know that this may not be the healthiest relationship for me. Now there is just myself, and no one else around. This past weekend my roommates and I had a 4^th of July party at our house with over 70 people in attendance and still I felt like the only girl in the world *removes Rihanna wig*. Unfortunately, my anxiety kicked in and rather than mingle with the crowd and network myself I hid in my room for the entire length of the party. I don’t know what came over me, but I felt so alone and would have rather not been seen than to be viewed as a downer. Last time I checked, no one requested a Debbie Downer impersonator at the party. The entire weekend I honestly spent with no one but myself. Didn’t call, text, FB or contact anyone in any sort of way.

So you see, these skeletons in my closet are starting to come out for air. Firstly, I didn’t know skeletons required air but that’s beside the point. The real point I’m making with this blog is to bring to light a problem that I have been struggling with for a good part of my life. Am I happy with it? Of course not, it’s called depression for a reason DUH lol. But somewhere in my life I lost the spark in my heart. I know I need to allow life to happen, and let myself be a little more vulnerable. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life hiding – from others, and especially myself. This weekend made me realize that the battle is not over yet, and I will be looking into getting help. Being Latino we’re built with pride in our bones (and yet somehow I’m still weak, go figure) but a smart person knows when it’s time to extend his/her hand out and reach out. So whether you cared to read this, or cared to care, I know I will be ok. I lost control of the wheel years ago and need to figure out the best way to get back on track. Unfortunately, I am horrible at driving and even worse with directions so if you see me cruising in your neighbor’s lawn then just crack a quick smile knowing that I am on the right way…. Right before you call highway patrol.